One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

[oldngray]

 

[moreluck]

 

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[oldngray]

 

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Separated at birth ??

 

[oldngray]

 

[moreluck]

Bakery Robbery

Johnny was behind the bakery's cash register one morning when a gunman burst in and demanded all the cash.

As he nervously handed over the money, he noticed the rolls of coins in the back of the register. "Do you want the rolls too?" he asked.

"No," said the robber, waving his gun. "Just the money."

 

[moreluck]

After an impromptu song, our pastor asked the church pianist, "What key did I sing that in?"
The pianist replied, "Most of them."

 

[moreluck]

Last night I had a salad for dinner. It was a fruit salad and had grapes. Lots of grapes. It was all grapes. It was wine.

 

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The Wedding Blessing

At a wedding ceremony I was performing, I raised my hand to give the final blessing.

The bride misunderstood my gesture and surprised me with a high-five.

Not wanting to exclude the groom, I offered him a high-five, too.

I was finally able to get my blessing in, amid the laughter of the guests.

 

[oldngray]

 

[moreluck]

Anytime a person with a journalism degree writes a story about a celebrity getting bangs, Walter Cronkite punches an angel.
~Jenny Johnson~

 

[oldngray]

 

[moreluck]

A client called my help desk saying she couldn't send an e-mail. When I was done troubleshooting the problem, she interrupted me to ask, "Wait a minute, do I type @ in lower or uppercase?"

 

[oldngray]

 

[moreluck]

You Never Listen

My wife doesn't complain often, but once she was having an old-fashioned "heart to heart" with me and said, "Hun, you never listen to me. Every time I try to talk to you, you get this far away look in your eyes after only a few seconds. Please promise me you'll try to work on that."

The last thing I remember was replying, "I'm sorry, what was that you were saying?"

 

[moreluck]

Two attorneys were walking out of a bar and a beautiful young lady walks by. One attorney turns to his associate and comments "Boy, I would like to her! The other attorney thinks for a second and said "Out of what"?

 

[moreluck]

L.A. public pools don't have lifeguards - they have life coaches. If they see you struggling in the water, they say, "Are you happy with the decisions you're making?" and give you a pamphlet for a yoga studio.
~Craig Ferguson~

 

[moreluck]

I got my first full time job, but I could have sworn I was making more money in college, working for my parents as their daughter.
~Melanie Reno~