Boulevard859710
Well-Known Member
That's ok. We now have commercial release.
moreluck
golden ticket member
A manager brings a dog into a nightclub to work.
The dog is a brilliant piano player. He plays all the
standards. He's sitting there, pounding out the tunes,
when all of a sudden, a big dog comes in and drags him
out. The nightclub owner asks, “What happened
The manager says,
“That's his mother. She wants him to be a doctor.”
The dog is a brilliant piano player. He plays all the
standards. He's sitting there, pounding out the tunes,
when all of a sudden, a big dog comes in and drags him
out. The nightclub owner asks, “What happened
The manager says,
“That's his mother. She wants him to be a doctor.”
Fred's Myth
Nonhyphenated American
What's the difference between Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and a pair of dice?
The dice are sharper!
The dice are sharper!
moreluck
golden ticket member
Stuttering Cat - as explained by a grade 4 student.
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she said.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary," said the teacher.
"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Ffffff!, but before she could say "
!," the Rottweiler ate her!
The teacher had to leave the room!
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she said.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary," said the teacher.
"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Ffffff!, but before she could say "
!," the Rottweiler ate her!The teacher had to leave the room!
moreluck
golden ticket member
Matt Braunger: Dove Made of Rainbows
When a woman has an orgasm, its like a dove made of rainbows came into the room. Its awesome. Even other women are like, Aw, shes having a nice time; thats cool. When a guy has an orgasm, its like the devil himself tore off his own face and snakes are pouring out of his red skull. Like, no matter how smooth your love making technique as a man is, eventually, youre going to be Jerry Lewis getting electrocuted.
When a woman has an orgasm, its like a dove made of rainbows came into the room. Its awesome. Even other women are like, Aw, shes having a nice time; thats cool. When a guy has an orgasm, its like the devil himself tore off his own face and snakes are pouring out of his red skull. Like, no matter how smooth your love making technique as a man is, eventually, youre going to be Jerry Lewis getting electrocuted.
moreluck
golden ticket member
There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says,"This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You must walk onto the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line... 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'" The actor is thrilled.All day long before the play he's practicing his line, over and over again. Finally the time came.
The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion, he delivered the line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress".
The theatre erupted, the audience screamed with laughter... and the director was steaming! "You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor, quite bewildered, asked, "What happened, did I forget my line?" he asked.
"No!" the director screamed.... "You forgot the bloody rose!"
The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion, he delivered the line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress".
The theatre erupted, the audience screamed with laughter... and the director was steaming! "You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor, quite bewildered, asked, "What happened, did I forget my line?" he asked.
"No!" the director screamed.... "You forgot the bloody rose!"
Fred's Myth
Nonhyphenated American
Boulevard859710
Well-Known Member
Paw the button around her neck. Help will arrive.
Boulevard859710
Well-Known Member
What do you call a Chinese prostitute that only gives blowjobs?
"Oral"ental.
"Oral"ental.
moreluck
golden ticket member
An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Bessie?"
Bessie looks him over. "Nope."
Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks again. "Nope."
Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different?"
Bessie looks up and down and says, "Sam, what's different? It was hanging down yesterday, it's hanging down today and it will be hanging down tomorrow!"
Furious, Sam yells, "And do you know why its hanging down, Bessie? It's hanging down because it's looking at my new boots!"
Bessie replies, "Should'a bought a hat, Sam!"
Bessie looks him over. "Nope."
Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks again. "Nope."
Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different?"
Bessie looks up and down and says, "Sam, what's different? It was hanging down yesterday, it's hanging down today and it will be hanging down tomorrow!"
Furious, Sam yells, "And do you know why its hanging down, Bessie? It's hanging down because it's looking at my new boots!"
Bessie replies, "Should'a bought a hat, Sam!"
moreluck
golden ticket member
Why did Santa’s helper see the doctor?
Because he had a low “elf” esteem!
Because he had a low “elf” esteem!
- How do you know that Santa is a man?
Answer: No woman wears the same attire every year.
- Why do mummies like Christmas so much?
Because of all the wrapping!
- One Christmas, my grandfather gave me a box
of broken glass.
He gave my brother a box of Band-Aids and said, “You two share.”
- What did Adam say the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
moreluck
golden ticket member
I will seek and find You . . I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'mfinished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love,
The Flu
Now, get your mind out of the gutter and Go get your flu shot!
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'mfinished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love,
The Flu
Now, get your mind out of the gutter and Go get your flu shot!
moreluck
golden ticket member
I work in a busy office, and when a computer goes down it causes quite an inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor.
"This computer has flat-lined," a co-worker called out with mock horror.
"Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?'
"This computer has flat-lined," a co-worker called out with mock horror.
"Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?'
moreluck
golden ticket member
A man walks in a bank, pulls o...
A man walks in a bank, pulls out a gun, and robs the bank...
Then he turns around and asks the next customer in line, "Did you see me
rob this bank?"
The customer replies, "YES!"
The robber raises his gun, points to his head and BANG!!!!!... shoots him
in the head and kills him!
He then moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, "DID ...
YOU ... SEE ... ME ... ROB THIS BANK????"
The man calmly responds, "No ... But My Wife Did!"
A man walks in a bank, pulls out a gun, and robs the bank...
Then he turns around and asks the next customer in line, "Did you see me
rob this bank?"
The customer replies, "YES!"
The robber raises his gun, points to his head and BANG!!!!!... shoots him
in the head and kills him!
He then moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, "DID ...
YOU ... SEE ... ME ... ROB THIS BANK????"
The man calmly responds, "No ... But My Wife Did!"
moreluck
golden ticket member
Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya going boy?" The son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue." The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern." "Sure Pa, I know." the boy said. "And look what you got !"
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