Jokes
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moreluck
golden ticket member
A Very Tight Lipped Confession....
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.'
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed Father.'
'Well then, was it Rosa DiAngelo?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'Four month's vacation and five excellent Leads.'
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.'
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed Father.'
'Well then, was it Rosa DiAngelo?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'Four month's vacation and five excellent Leads.'
moreluck
golden ticket member
From the Mouths of Babes....
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.
As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.
As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
moreluck
golden ticket member
Master Chief...
The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Sub School.
The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir', it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two.
If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."
The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Sub School.
The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir', it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two.
If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."
moreluck
golden ticket member
moreluck
golden ticket member
An Amish man answered a knock on his door one morning. An electric company worker handed him a piece of paper stating that the electric company would like to run a power line through his cow pasture.
The Amish man said, "No, no you can not."
"Legally, that paper says we can." replied the gruff worker.
As he turned and left returning to his co-workers in the field, the Amish man went to his barn and turned his bull into the pasture.
As the bull rumbled toward the workers in the field, the Amish farmer hollered, "Show him your paper!"
The Amish man said, "No, no you can not."
"Legally, that paper says we can." replied the gruff worker.
As he turned and left returning to his co-workers in the field, the Amish man went to his barn and turned his bull into the pasture.
As the bull rumbled toward the workers in the field, the Amish farmer hollered, "Show him your paper!"
moreluck
golden ticket member
Self Amusement...
A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud “THUMP” and then he would swerve back on the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.
He asked the priest, “Where are you going, Father?”
“I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road,” replied the priest.
“No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck.”
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However, even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud “THUD.”
Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, “I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer.”
“That's okay,” replied the priest. “I got him with the door!”
A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud “THUMP” and then he would swerve back on the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.
He asked the priest, “Where are you going, Father?”
“I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road,” replied the priest.
“No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck.”
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However, even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud “THUD.”
Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, “I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer.”
“That's okay,” replied the priest. “I got him with the door!”
moreluck
golden ticket member
Little Timmy...
Little Timmy sat playing in the garden.
When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm.
She turned pale. "No, Timmy! Stop! That's horrible! You can't eat worms!"
Trying to convince him further she noted, "Now the mother worm is looking all over for her nice baby worm."
"No, she isn't," said Timmy.
"How do you know she's not?" said the mother.
"Because I ate her first!"
Little Timmy sat playing in the garden.
When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm.
She turned pale. "No, Timmy! Stop! That's horrible! You can't eat worms!"
Trying to convince him further she noted, "Now the mother worm is looking all over for her nice baby worm."
"No, she isn't," said Timmy.
"How do you know she's not?" said the mother.
"Because I ate her first!"
moreluck
golden ticket member
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
>
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Then stop reading!
moreluck
golden ticket member
Lunch With The Girls...
A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen, next door to the Ocean View restaurant, because they had only $6.00 among them and Brad Johnson, the cute boy in Social Studies, lived on that street.
10 years later, the group of 25-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the beer was cheap, the restaurant offered free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover charge, and there were lots of cute guys.
10 years later, the group of 35-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.
10 years later, the group of 45-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the martinis were big, and the waiters wore tight pants and had nice buns.
10 years later, the group of 55-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, the restaurant had windows that opened (in case of hot flashes), and they served fish which is good for your cholesterol.
10 years later, the group of 65-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the lighting was good, and the restaurant had a senior citizen discounts.
10 years later, the group of 75-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the food was not too spicy, and the restaurant was handicapped-accessible.
10 years later, the group of 85-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because they had never been there before.
A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen, next door to the Ocean View restaurant, because they had only $6.00 among them and Brad Johnson, the cute boy in Social Studies, lived on that street.
10 years later, the group of 25-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the beer was cheap, the restaurant offered free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover charge, and there were lots of cute guys.
10 years later, the group of 35-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.
10 years later, the group of 45-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the martinis were big, and the waiters wore tight pants and had nice buns.
10 years later, the group of 55-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, the restaurant had windows that opened (in case of hot flashes), and they served fish which is good for your cholesterol.
10 years later, the group of 65-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the lighting was good, and the restaurant had a senior citizen discounts.
10 years later, the group of 75-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the food was not too spicy, and the restaurant was handicapped-accessible.
10 years later, the group of 85-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because they had never been there before.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Tips for Husbands...
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Elderly Artist
Early one morning Curt, an elderly retired gentleman, yelled to his wife....
''Honey! Come see what I created ...! It's an abstract panorama depicting the six years of the Obama presidency !!
She yelled back, "Flush the toilet and come eat your breakfast.''
Early one morning Curt, an elderly retired gentleman, yelled to his wife....
''Honey! Come see what I created ...! It's an abstract panorama depicting the six years of the Obama presidency !!
She yelled back, "Flush the toilet and come eat your breakfast.''
moreluck
golden ticket member
How To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity in retirement.
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars...watch 'em Slow Down!
2. On all your cheque stubs, write 'For Marijuana'!
3. Skip down the street Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
5. Sing Along At The Opera.
6. When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
7. When Leaving the Zoo, start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
8. Tell Your Children over dinner: 'Due to the economy,we are going to have to let one of you go...
9.PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
10. Go to a large Departmentstore’s fitting room, drop your drawers to your ankles and yell out: “THERE IS NO PAPER IN HERE”!
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars...watch 'em Slow Down!
2. On all your cheque stubs, write 'For Marijuana'!
3. Skip down the street Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
5. Sing Along At The Opera.
6. When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
7. When Leaving the Zoo, start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
8. Tell Your Children over dinner: 'Due to the economy,we are going to have to let one of you go...
9.PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
10. Go to a large Departmentstore’s fitting room, drop your drawers to your ankles and yell out: “THERE IS NO PAPER IN HERE”!
moreluck
golden ticket member
Three Men of The Cloth...
Three men of the cloth -- a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister and a Rabbi -- were counting collections taken during services for the week. They were trying to come up with an equitable way to divide the money between God (the two churches and one
synagogue) and themselves (the clerics' weekly income).
The priest was the first to speak: “I know what! I'll draw a line down the middle of the sanctuary, toss the money up in the air, and whatever falls on the right side of the line is for God and whatever falls on the left side is for us.”
The Baptist minister cried, “No! No! No! I'll draw a circle in the middle of the sanctuary, toss the money up in the air, and whatever falls inside the circle is for God and whatever falls outside the circle is for us.”
The Rabbi then asked the two other men to accompany him outside. There he offered this
suggestion: “What I would do with the money is this: Toss it up in the air, and whatever God catches is His and whatever falls on the ground is ours.”
Three men of the cloth -- a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister and a Rabbi -- were counting collections taken during services for the week. They were trying to come up with an equitable way to divide the money between God (the two churches and one
synagogue) and themselves (the clerics' weekly income).
The priest was the first to speak: “I know what! I'll draw a line down the middle of the sanctuary, toss the money up in the air, and whatever falls on the right side of the line is for God and whatever falls on the left side is for us.”
The Baptist minister cried, “No! No! No! I'll draw a circle in the middle of the sanctuary, toss the money up in the air, and whatever falls inside the circle is for God and whatever falls outside the circle is for us.”
The Rabbi then asked the two other men to accompany him outside. There he offered this
suggestion: “What I would do with the money is this: Toss it up in the air, and whatever God catches is His and whatever falls on the ground is ours.”
moreluck
golden ticket member
IT'S SO HOT...
All the corn on the stalks started popping and flying through the air. The cows thought it was snowing. And they froze to death.
It's so hot, I saw squirrels fanning their nuts.
The potatoes cook underground and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.
Satan decided to take the day off.
The birds had to pick up the worms with potholders.
I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walkin'.
Two trees were fighting over a dog....
All the corn on the stalks started popping and flying through the air. The cows thought it was snowing. And they froze to death.
It's so hot, I saw squirrels fanning their nuts.
The potatoes cook underground and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.
Satan decided to take the day off.
The birds had to pick up the worms with potholders.
I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walkin'.
Two trees were fighting over a dog....
moreluck
golden ticket member
Politicians...
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.
The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.
The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
