Jokes

[moreluck]

As a new school principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day.

Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day.

The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox. Cautiously, he asked the school's long time Custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?"

The Custodian looked at him gravely... "We trust them with the children, don't we?"

 

[moreluck]

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

 

[moreluck]

One Sunday afternoon, a guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender said, "Sorry, pal. No pets allowed." The man replied, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see."

The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game. The guy said, "Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips." The Jets keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping. "Wow! That's one hell of a dog you got there.

What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?" asked the bartender. The man replied, "I don't know. I've only had him for seven years."

 

[moreluck]

The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year now. You started off in the mail room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-president. Now, it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company.

What do you say to that?"

"Thanks," said the employee.

"Thanks?" the boss replied "Is that all you can say?"

"I suppose not," the employee said.

"Thanks, Dad." he added.

 

[moreluck]

SCENTED CANDLES FOR MEN:


'62 Chevy truck - Interior and Exhaust

Gunpowder

Wet Dog (only if it's your own dog)

Frying Bacon (actually, a lot of different fried foods)

Wood Smoke

Chainsaw Exhaust

Freshly Caught Bass

Ozone (arc welder, of course)

Acetylene

Freshly Moved Dirt

Sale Barn

Silage

Sawdust

New Tires

Hot Metal

3 Year Old Baseball Cap

Ammonia Fertilizer (light, of course)

Burning Grass or Leaves

Alfalfa

Firecrackers

Latex Paint

 

[moreluck]

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.

The Devil said to the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you.

You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life.

Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money.

All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked,
"So, what's the catch?"

 

[moreluck]

Are All Athletes Dumb?


"He's great on the court," a sportswriter said of a college basketball player in a interview with his coach. "But how's his scholastic work?"

"Why, he makes straight A's," replied the coach.

"Wonderful!" said the sportswriter.

"Yes," agreed the coach, "but his B's are a little crooked.

 

[moreluck]

The Dinner Party


At a dinner party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud young man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone and everything. He was served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his fork, held it up and smirked: "Is this pig?"

Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly: "Which end of the fork are you referring to?"

 

[moreluck]

The Ten Commandments.....


The Ten Commandments display was recently removed from the Alabama Supreme Court building. There was a good reason for the move. You can't post
Thou Shalt Not Steal,
Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,
and Thou Shall Not Lie
in a building full of lawyers and politicians without creating a hostile work environment.

 

[moreluck]

A guy is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he's worry about getting seasick.

The doctor suggests, ''Eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock.''

The guy replies, ''Would that keep me from getting sick, Doc?''

The doctor says, ''No, but it'll look real pretty in the water.''

 

[moreluck]

Bert was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the
soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and
attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.


Bert's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. To Bert's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.


Bert was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

 

[moreluck]

While a friend and I were visiting Annapolis, we noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand.


"What are they doing?" I asked our tour guide.


"Each year," he replied with a grin, "The upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard."


When we were out of earshot of the freshmen, my friend asked our guide: "So what's the answer?"


The guide replied: "One."

 

[moreluck]

A father believed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."


The son pointed out, "When Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States."

 

[moreluck]

I was talking to my preacher I noticed he had cut himself shaving.


I asked him about it. He said he was concentrating on his sermon and nicked his chin.


I told him next time to concentrate on what he was doing and cut his sermon.

 

[moreluck]

Accent....

A Virginia woman was talking with her four year old son, Brent. He was asking her why all their relatives from Wisconsin talk funny and sound like their noses are plugged up.

"They think we have an accent," she replied.

"But they have an accent, right?", Brent asked.

"They talk funny?" "Everybody talks in different ways" she tried to explain. "To them, we sound like we talk very slow and all our words are d-r-a-w-n out."

His eyes got big, and he whispered seriously, "Oh, no. You mean they hear funny too?"

 

[moreluck]

A slightly unsure witness to a car crash kept saying things like, "I think the light was yellow," or, "I think it was still raining."

The cross-examining lawyer interrupted, saying derisively, "We don't care what you think. What do you know?"

The harried witness paused for a moment and then replied, "Then I may as well leave the witness stand. Since I'm not a lawyer, I can't talk without thinking."

 

[moreluck]

Happiest Day.......


"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life."

"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow." Protested his nephew.

"I know," replied the uncle, "that's exactly what I mean."

 

[moreluck]

At the salon, I overheard the receptionist admit to another customer, "I haven't taken my vitamins today, I'm walking around unprotected."

The customer commiserated with her. "I haven't taken my Prozac today, everyone's walking around unprotected."

 

[moreluck]

Do You Know...


A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, “Why do you dress funny?”

He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear. Then the boy pointed to the priest's collar tab and asked, “Do you have an owie?”

The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band-aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to show him. On the back of the tab are letters giving the name of the manufacturer. The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, “Do you know what those words say?”

“Yes, I do,” said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, “Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!”

 

[moreluck]

Our manager at the restaurant where I worked was a friendly, jovial man, but there was one subject you didn't dare discuss in front of him: his height, or rather, his lack of it. He was very short and apparently sensitive about the subject.

One day he stormed through the kitchen doors and announced angrily, "Someone just picked my pocket!"

Everyone was speechless, except for one waitress who couldn't help herself as she blurted out, "How could anyone stoop so low?"