Jokes

[moreluck]

Rescue Anne....


Toward the end of their senior year in high school, students were required to take a CPR course. The classes used the well known mannequin victim, Rescue Anne, to practice.

Rescue Anne was legless to allow for storage in a carrying case.

The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of the students gently shook the doll and asked, "Are you all right?" He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for breathing.

Suddenly, the student turned to the instructor and exclaimed, "She says she can't feel her legs!"

 

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Only in America...could politicians talk about the greed of the rich at a $35,000.00 a plate campaign fund-raising event.




Only in America ...could people claim that the government still discriminates against black Americans when they have a black President, a black Attorney General and roughly 20% of the federal workforce is black while only 14% of the population is black 40+% of all federal entitlements goes to black Americans - 3X the rate that go to whites, 5X the rate that go to Hispanics!

 

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Only in America...could they have had the two people most responsible for our tax code, Timothy Geithner (the head of the Treasury Department) and Charles Rangel (who once ran the Ways and Means Committee), BOTH turn out to be tax cheats who are in favor of higher taxes.




Only in America...can they have terrorists kill people in the name of Allah and have the media primarily react by fretting that Muslims might be harmed by the backlash.





Only in America...would they make people who want to legally become American citizens wait for years in their home countries and pay tens of thousands of dollars for the privilege, while they discuss letting anyone who sneaks into the country illegally just 'magically' become American citizens

 

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Cold Cream....


A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.

"Why are you rubbing cold cream on you face, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.

A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" he asked. "Are you giving up?"

 

[moreluck]

An old, blind Marine Gunnery Sergeant wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear an Obungler joke? The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Marine, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is an Obama voter with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is an Obama voter with a 'Billy-Club'.

3. Im a 6-foot tall, 175-pound Obama voter with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is an Obama voter and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is an Obama voter and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Marine. Do you still wanna tell that Obama joke?'

The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

 

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[moreluck]

Completed or Finished?

No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the
Difference between "complete" and "finished."

However, during a
Recent linguistic conference, held in London , England , and attended
by some of the best linguists in the world. Samsundar Balgobin, a
Guyanese linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to make that
very distinction.

The question put to him by a colleague in the
erudite audience was this: “Some say there is no difference between
‘complete’ and ‘finished.’ Please explain the difference in a way
that is easy to understand.”


Mr. Balgobin’s response: “When you marry the right woman, you are
‘complete.’ If you marry the wrong woman, you are ‘finished.’ And,
If the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are
"completely finished".

His answer received a five minute standing ovation.

 

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Three young boys were fighting over whose dad was the best:

"My dad is so good he can shoot an arrow, run after it, get in front of it, and catch it in his bare hands."

"My dad is so good that he can shoot a gun, run after the bullet, get in front of it and catch it in his bare hands."

"I've got you both beat. My dad's so good because he works for the city. He gets off work at 5:00 and is home by 4:30."

 

[Operational needs]

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.

'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.

The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'

 

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[moreluck]

I asked my brother-in-law, the father of four boys, "If you had it to do all over again, would you still have kids?"
"Yes", he said. "just not these four."

After 12 years in prison, a man finally breaks out. When he gets home, filthy and exhausted, his wife says, "Where have you been? You escaped 8 hours ago!"

 

[moreluck]

T-shirt sayings......

I run an OCD meeting at my house every week.......It sure beats cleaning it myself.

Oops, did I roll my eyes out loud ?

The first 50 years of marriage are the hardest.

If we quit voting, will they all go away?

I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.

Young at heart ......... Slightly older in other places.

 

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One time a guy handed me a picture and said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger."
Every picture of you is when you were younger.

~Mitch Hedberg~

 

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Thought you would like to understand marketing.


Rest Your Mind

I know you have
been laying awake at night wondering why baby
diapers have brandnames such as "Luvs", "Huggies," and"Pampers',
while undergarmentsfor old people are called"Depends".


Well here is the lowdown on the whole thing.


When babies crap in theirpants, people are still gonna Luv'em,
Hug'em and Pamper' em. Whenold people crap in their pants, it
"Depends" on who's in the will!

Glad I got that straightened out so you can rest
your mind.

 

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T-Shirt Sayings

Once in awhile someone amazing comes along .....Here I Am !

I consider "on time" to be when I get there.

Exercise is a dirty word ! Whenever I catch myself saying it, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

 

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Bumper Stickers:

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. - Dorothy

Avoid Hangovers; Stay Drunk

Ax Me About Ebonics

Back Up My Hard Drive? How Do I Put It In Reverse?

BAD COP! - NO DONUT!!!

Be nice society already sucks.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Be the kind of friend you'd want.

Be the kind of person you always wanted your parents to be.


Beam me up Jesus.

 

[bleedinbrown58]

One monday morning, the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches of the homes he notices that both cars on in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out his front door with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," comments the UPS guy.

Bob, in obvious pain, replies "Actually, we had it saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4 a.m. Sunday morning. We had about 20 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun, and it got a bit wild. hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing Who am I."

The UPS man thinks a moment and says, "how do you play Who am I?"

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and with only our privates showing through a hole in a sheet....then the women try to guess who it is."

the UPS guy laughs and says, "Damn I'm sorry I missed that."

Bob responded, "Probably a good thing you did....your name came up 8 times!"

 

[moreluck]

Sally Mullihan of Coral Springs, Florida decided to take one of the jobs
that most Americans are not willing to do.

This woman applied for a job in a Florida lemon grove and seemed to be far
too qualified for the job. She had a liberal arts degree from the
University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and a school teacher.

The foreman frowned and said,”I have to ask you, have you had any actual
experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have." she said. "I've been divorced three
times, owned 2 Chryslers and I voted for Obama."

She got the job!

 

[moreluck]