Jokes

[moreluck]

Sam and Max

Sam and Max were psychologists, and the best of friends.

Sam's practice was based upon the theories of Sigmund Freud, but Max relied more upon the theories of Carl Jung.

One wintry night, as they were walking home from the community college where they had just given a lecture, Sam slipped on the ice and did a swan dive into the sidewalk. Dazed, he looked up to see his friend regarding him thoughtfully.

"Well, what is it?" he snapped.

Max extended his hand and said, "Sorry, but it's just that this is the first time I've actually SEEN a Freudian slip."

 

[moreluck]

Mayday, Mayday

A guy I know was towing his boat home from a fishing trip to Lake Huron when his car broke down. He didn't have a cell phone, but he thought he might be able to raise someone on his marine radio to call for roadside assistance.

He climbed into the boat, clicked on the radio and said, "Mayday, mayday."

A Coast Guard officer came on and said, "State your location."

"I-75, two miles south of Standish."

After a long pause, the officer asked, "And how fast were you going when

 

[moreluck]

Going Postal

A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

"What denomination?" asked the clerk.

"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist ones."

 

[moreluck]

Old Boyfriend

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

 

[moreluck]

In A Child's Mind

Sunday school children were asked to draw their rendition of the Christmas story.

Most of the kids drew manger scenes to include the shepherds, angels, the star, the baby Jesus in the manger as would be expected. Little Jimmy proudly showed his picture of a jetliner. There were 4 distinct faces looking out the windows.

When the Sunday school teacher asked Jimmy to explain the drawing, he said it was the "flight out of Egypt." He pointed to the one face and said "that is Joseph," another face was Mary, the little face of course was Jesus.

The teacher asked him who is the face in the front of the plane. Jimmy replied, "It's Pontius, the pilot, of course."

 

[moreluck]

The Bathroom Door is Closed!

Please do not stand here and talk, whine, or ask questions.

Wait until I get out.

Yes, it is locked. I want it that way. It is not broken, and I am not trapped.

I know I have left it unlocked, and even open at times, since you were born, because I was afraid some horrible tragedy might occur while I was in there, but it's been 10 years and I want some PRIVACY.

Do not ask me how long I will be. I will come out when I am done.

Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door.

Do not go running back to the phone yelling "She's in the BATHROOM!"

Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in.

Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle them. This was funny when you were two.

Do not slide pennies, LEGOs, or notes under the door. Even when you were two this got a little tiresome.

If you have followed me down the hall talking, and are still talking as you face this closed door, please turn around, walk away, and wait for me in another room. I will be glad to listen to you when I am done.

And yes, I still love you.

~ Mom

 

[UpstateNYUPSer(Ret)]

Still waiting for the punchline on this "joke".

 

[CaliforniaPaul]

Still waiting for the punchline on this "joke".

You have to have a family to understand the joke.

 

[UpstateNYUPSer(Ret)]

I understand the story as I have lived it.

Still waiting for the punchline for this "joke".

 

[moreluck]

No I In Team

One of the players on our junior high football team never saw action in a game. But my brother, the assistant coach, liked the kid and always gave him pep talks.

"Remember, Ben," he told him, "everyone on this team has an important role. There is no I in team."

"True," said the boy. "But there is a Ben in bench.

 

[moreluck]

Still waiting for the punchline on this "joke".

 

[moreluck]

I understand the story as I have lived it.

Still waiting for the punchline for this "joke".

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

Yawn.

 

[moreluck]

You Know You're in a Sketchy Church When .........

The church bus has gun racks.

The church staff consists of Senior Pastor, Associate Pastor and Socio-pastor.

The Bible they use is the "Dr. Seuss Version."

There's an ATM in the lobby.

The choir wears leather robes.

Worship services are B.Y.O.S.: "Bring Your Own Snake."

No cover charge, but communion is a two-drink minimum.

Karaoke Worship Time.

Ushers ask, "Smoking or Non-smoking?"

The only song the organist knows is "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida."

 

[moreluck]

Family Tree... In the Beginning ...

A little girl asked her mother,
"How did the human race start?"
The mother answered,
"God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so all mankind was made."


Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.


The father answered,
"Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said,
"Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered,
"Well, dear, it is very simple.
I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

 

[moreluck]

A shut mouth gathers no foot.

Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism.

Teamwork is essential; it allows you to blame someone else.

Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you're doing.

Defeat is worse than death, because you have to live with defeat.

It is incredible how much intelligence is used in this world to prove nonsense.

It is okay to be ignorant in some areas, but some people abuse the privilege.

 

[moreluck]

Biblical Bloopers - II

What follows are Old Testament bloopers from Sunday school students:

~ When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus- in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an emaculate contraption.

~ St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

~ Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before- they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."

~ It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

~ The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

~ A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.

~ The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

~ One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.

~ When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

~ St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

 

[moreluck]

Computer Dating:

So this guy joins a computer dating service.

He asks to meet someone petite who likes water sports, enjoys lots of company, and is comfortable in formal attire.

The computer operates flawlessly...

...and sends him a penguin.

 

[moreluck]

A multi-national company held a reception to celebrate Christmas. The waiter gave each guest a glass of champagne, but on inspection, each guest noticed that their glass contained a fly.

• The Swede asked for new champagne in the same glass.
• The Englishman demanded to have new champagne in a new glass.
• The Finn picked out the fly out and drank the champagne.
• The Russian drank the champagne, fly and all.
• The Chinese ate the fly but left the champagne.
• The Israeli caught the fly and sold it to the Chinese.
• The Italian drank two thirds of the champagne and then demanded to have a new glass.
• The Norwegian took the fly and went off to fish.
• The Irishman ground the fly and mixed it in the champagne, which he then donated to the Englishman
• The American sued the restaurant and claimed $50 million in compensation.
• The Scotsman grabbed the fly by the throat and shouted, 'Now spit out all that you swallowed.'