Jokes

[moreluck]

New Kitchen Cabinets

Maggy had wanted new kitchen cabinets for a long time, but her husband insisted they were an extravagance. She went to visit her mother for two weeks, and when she returned, she was overjoyed to find that beautiful new cabinets had been installed in her kitchen.

A few days later, a neighbor came over to visit and after admiring the new cabinets, the neighbor added, "All of us were so glad that the fire your husband had while you were gone was confined to the kitchen."

 

[UpstateNYUPSer(Ret)]

How is that funny?

 

[moreluck]

When a joke has to be explained ....never mind, you wouldn't get it Mancy....

 

[moreluck]

Shane works in the deli department of a large supermarket chain, where he often finds himself in trouble. Just look at the notes management has supposedly written to him:

- "Shane, stop putting Some Assembly Required stickers on the 8-pece chickens."

- "Shane, any free samples you give must come from the deli, not electronics."

- "Shane, when a customer asks where to find a product, give them an aisle number, not directions to Albertsons."

~foodbeast.com~

 

[moreluck]

New Boots

My first grade daughter and her friend both needed new boots as winter approached. The friend got in the car one morning and finally had gotten her boots.

"Tina," I commented, "I see you got new boots! Where did you get them?"

"At the store," she answered. "Which one?" I asked. She began looking at her new boots and after a pause said, "Both of them!"

 

[moreluck]

Everybody, Somebody, Anybody....


This is a story about four people: Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it.

Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when actually Nobody asked Anybody.

 

[moreluck]

Not A Nice Person

Mortified doesn't even begin to describe how Jane's parents felt about meeting her new beau. He sported tattoos and piercings, swore like a sailor, and simply had a hostile air about him.

After he left, the mother said, "Dear, he doesn't seem like a very nice person."

"Mom," Jane said, "if he weren't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

 

[moreluck]

old, but still funny...

Redneck Hunters

A couple of redneck hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other redneck starts to panic, then whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He frantically blurts out to the operator, "O my gawd! Help! My friend just died. He's Dead! What can I do?"

The operator, trying to calm him says, "Take it easy. I can help. Just listen to me and follow my instructions. First, lets make sure he's dead."

There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud gun shot!!!

The redneck comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?"

 

[moreluck]

Teaching Math through the years.....

1. Teaching Math In 1950s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit? Yes or No

4. Teaching Math In 1990s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20 Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 2000s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Why should he be allowed to make a profit? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok).

6. Teaching Math In 2014
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
>

 

[UpstateNYUPSer(Ret)]

www.thesejokesarereallylame.com

 

[bleedinbrown58]

www.thesejokesarereallylame.com

www.mailorderbrides.com

 

[moreluck]

www.thesejokesarereallylame.com

You're just like a spoiled brat kid in a store. We already have heard you complain about the jokes many times. Quit screamin' about it. We've heard you! They're not stopping unless Cheryl says so.
Throw yourself on the ground, kick your feet and go WAAAAAHHHHHHHH! We will ignore your fake cries.

 

[moreluck]

On Preserving Health

In the commuter train car the conversation turned to the merits and demerits of various ways of preserving health. One stout, florid man held forth with great eloquence on the subject.

"Look at me!" he said. "Never a day's sickness in my life, and all due to simple food. Why, gentlemen," he continued, "from the age of twenty to that of forty I lived an absolutely simple regular life -- no effeminate delicacies, no late hours, no extravagances.

Every day, in fact, summer and winter, I was in bed regularly at nine o'clock and up again at five in the morning. I worked from eight to one, then had dinner--a plain dinner, mark my words: after that, an hour's exercise; then . . . "

"Excuse me, sir," interrupted the stranger in the corner, "but what were you in prison for?"

 

[moreluck]

Speeding

An elderly lady was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her.

Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed.

When she looked back again, their were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she looked around, there were three cops following her.

She spotted a gas station ahead, screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies' room. Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out.

The three cops were standing there waiting for her. Without batting an eye, she said, "I'll bet none of you thought I would make it."

 

[moreluck]

Little Johnny's father asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny says, bursting into tears.

Confused, his father asks what's wrong.

"Oh, Dad," Little Johnny sobs, "first, there was no Santa Claus, then no Easter Bunny, and finally, no Tooth Fairy. If you're about to tell me that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in."

 

[moreluck]

Three Salesmen

Three salesmen were driving cross-country when their car broke down far from civilization. After walking for some distance they came to a farmhouse. They asked the farmer if there was a service station nearby. He replied that there was one in town but that it wouldn't be open until the next day. He offered to let them stay at his house that night, on one condition. “Don't draw attention to my daughter; she's very sensitive because she was born without any ears.” After agreeing to his wishes, the salesmen spent the night with the farmer.

The next morning at the breakfast table the daughter noticed that the salesmen were staring at her. “What are you looking at?” she demanded.

The first salesman replied, “I was looking at your beautiful smile, it's important to take care of your teeth so you don't have to wear dentures.”

The second salesman said, “I was looking at your thick curly hair, it's important to take care of your hair so you don't go bald and have to wear a wig.”

The third said, “I was looking at your clear blue eyes, it's important to take care of your eyes . . . Lord knows you can't wear glasses.”

 

[moreluck]

Scene: Me driving by a Taco Bell.

Sign: Now hiring managers.

{2 weeks later}

Sign: Now hiring manager....background check required.

 

[moreluck]

Milking a Cow

A farmer was milking a cow and a fly was buzzing around.

He shooed it away with his hand and it flew into the cow's ear.

He kept milking and saw the fly in the milk bucket.

The farmer thought, "Hmmm, in one ear and out the udder."

 

[moreluck]

You know you're getting old when........

...you're more worried about what time the party ends than when it starts.

...you can't tell the difference between current band names and typos.

...All the names in your black book have 'MD' after them.

 

[moreluck]

Doesn't It Follow...

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed (and eventually disfigured) and dry cleaners depressed?

Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bed makers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, the BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose. As a student, I spent all my time wishing to be detested and degraded.

On a more positive note though, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted