dar7776
Banned
Where is Dad?
Jokes
- Thread starter DS
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moreluck
golden ticket member
Male to Female Ratio
The software engineering field is staffed primarily by men; the ratio of male to female software engineers is about 15 to 1.
This makes it pretty easy for women to find potential mates among their peers. However, software types have a well-earned reputation for being well, a little strange.
While discussing the prospect of working in the software industry, one woman commented to another, "The odds are good, but the goods are odd."
The software engineering field is staffed primarily by men; the ratio of male to female software engineers is about 15 to 1.
This makes it pretty easy for women to find potential mates among their peers. However, software types have a well-earned reputation for being well, a little strange.
While discussing the prospect of working in the software industry, one woman commented to another, "The odds are good, but the goods are odd."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Keeping It A Secret
As chaplain in a university residence hall, I am supposed to uphold all of the school rules, which include a ban on pets. That changed when a kitten adopted me. The freshmen in my dorm kept my secret. They covered for me by calling my kitten "the Book," since I had so many in my room. One morning I was leaving the dorm with the kitten in a carrier.
A student stopped me and asked, "Where are you taking the Book?"
I explained that I was taking the kitten to the vet. "She's getting neutered today," I told him.
"Hmmm," the student responded, "no sequels."
As chaplain in a university residence hall, I am supposed to uphold all of the school rules, which include a ban on pets. That changed when a kitten adopted me. The freshmen in my dorm kept my secret. They covered for me by calling my kitten "the Book," since I had so many in my room. One morning I was leaving the dorm with the kitten in a carrier.
A student stopped me and asked, "Where are you taking the Book?"
I explained that I was taking the kitten to the vet. "She's getting neutered today," I told him.
"Hmmm," the student responded, "no sequels."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Subject: Need help missing wife
A husband went to the police station to report his missing wife:
Husband : I've lost my wife. She went shopping yesterday and has still not come home.
Sergeant : What is her height ?
Husband : Oh, 5 something . . .
Sergeant : Build?
Husband : Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant : Color of eyes?
Husband : Never noticed.
Sergeant : Color of hair?
Husband : Changes according to season.
Sergeant : What was she wearing?
Husband : Dress/suit/blue jeans -- I don't remember exactly.
Sergeant : Did she go in a car?
Husband : yes.
Sergeant : What kind of car was it?
Husband : 2015 Corvette Stingray 3LT with the Z51Performance Package, shark gray metallic paint, with the 6.2 litre V8 engine with Direct Injection generating 460 HP. 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission, and GT bucket seats, and has a very thin scratch on the front left door...
Sergeant : Don't worry, sir.......We'll find your car.
A husband went to the police station to report his missing wife:
Husband : I've lost my wife. She went shopping yesterday and has still not come home.
Sergeant : What is her height ?
Husband : Oh, 5 something . . .
Sergeant : Build?
Husband : Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant : Color of eyes?
Husband : Never noticed.
Sergeant : Color of hair?
Husband : Changes according to season.
Sergeant : What was she wearing?
Husband : Dress/suit/blue jeans -- I don't remember exactly.
Sergeant : Did she go in a car?
Husband : yes.
Sergeant : What kind of car was it?
Husband : 2015 Corvette Stingray 3LT with the Z51Performance Package, shark gray metallic paint, with the 6.2 litre V8 engine with Direct Injection generating 460 HP. 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission, and GT bucket seats, and has a very thin scratch on the front left door...
Sergeant : Don't worry, sir.......We'll find your car.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.
The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
My mind works like lightning, one brilliant Flash and it is gone.
The only time the world beats a path to Your door is if you're in the bathroom.
I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
It used to be only death and taxes, Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
My mind works like lightning, one brilliant Flash and it is gone.
The only time the world beats a path to Your door is if you're in the bathroom.
I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
It used to be only death and taxes, Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Insane
I'd been working on my business degree for about a year when I finally got to take a popular finance course. I went to the bookstore to buy the text and was shocked to find out that it would cost me $96.00.
I asked how much it was worth if I sold it back at the end of the semester.
"You'll get 24.00," said the clerk.
"This is insane," I protested as I wrote out the check.
"I know," replied the clerk sympathetically. "I've always thought that a person who buys a book for $96.00 and then sells it back for $24.00 should fail the course."
I'd been working on my business degree for about a year when I finally got to take a popular finance course. I went to the bookstore to buy the text and was shocked to find out that it would cost me $96.00.
I asked how much it was worth if I sold it back at the end of the semester.
"You'll get 24.00," said the clerk.
"This is insane," I protested as I wrote out the check.
"I know," replied the clerk sympathetically. "I've always thought that a person who buys a book for $96.00 and then sells it back for $24.00 should fail the course."
moreluck
golden ticket member
One of our interns asked another if she was planning to sign up for the company's 401(k).
"I'm considering it," replied the second intern.
Later, the first intern approached me looking concerned.
"I did the math," she said, "and 401k is almost 250 miles. She'll never make it!"
"I'm considering it," replied the second intern.
Later, the first intern approached me looking concerned.
"I did the math," she said, "and 401k is almost 250 miles. She'll never make it!"
UpstateNYUPSer(Ret)
Well-Known Member
Yawn.
Not getting any attention from Rowdy this evening?
moreluck
golden ticket member
Yet Another Little Girl
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
Now keep that smile on your face and pass it on to someone else!!
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
Now keep that smile on your face and pass it on to someone else!!
moreluck
golden ticket member
Science Lesson
Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.
Now it was question time, and she asked, “My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things.
What am I?”
Little Johnny in the front row proudly said, “You're a mother!”
Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.
Now it was question time, and she asked, “My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things.
What am I?”
Little Johnny in the front row proudly said, “You're a mother!”
moreluck
golden ticket member
After A Hectic Day
I'd had a pretty hectic day with my four-year-old. When bedtime finally came, I laid down the law and gruffly said, "We're putting on your p.j.s, brushing your teeth, and reading ONE book. Then it's lights out!"
Her arms went around my neck in a gentle embrace, and she said, "We learned in Sunday school about little boys and girls who don't have mommies and daddies."
Even after I'd been such a grouch, I thought, she was still grateful to have me. I felt tears begin to well up in my eyes, and then she whispered, "Maybe you could go be THEIR mom?"
I'd had a pretty hectic day with my four-year-old. When bedtime finally came, I laid down the law and gruffly said, "We're putting on your p.j.s, brushing your teeth, and reading ONE book. Then it's lights out!"
Her arms went around my neck in a gentle embrace, and she said, "We learned in Sunday school about little boys and girls who don't have mommies and daddies."
Even after I'd been such a grouch, I thought, she was still grateful to have me. I felt tears begin to well up in my eyes, and then she whispered, "Maybe you could go be THEIR mom?"
UpstateNYUPSer(Ret)
Well-Known Member
Yawn.
bleedinbrown58
That’s Craptacular
Do you feel better about yourself now? lol
moreluck
golden ticket member
Communion Practice
My 2 1/2-year-old niece, Kelli, went with a neighbor girl to church for First Communion practice.
The pastor has the children cup their hands, and when he gives them the Host - in this case, a piece of bread - he says, “God be with you.”
Apparently this made quite an impression on my niece. She came home and told her mother to cup her hands and bend down. Kelli took a piece of bread from her sandwich, placed it in her mother's hands, and whispered, in her most angelic voice, “God will get you.”
My 2 1/2-year-old niece, Kelli, went with a neighbor girl to church for First Communion practice.
The pastor has the children cup their hands, and when he gives them the Host - in this case, a piece of bread - he says, “God be with you.”
Apparently this made quite an impression on my niece. She came home and told her mother to cup her hands and bend down. Kelli took a piece of bread from her sandwich, placed it in her mother's hands, and whispered, in her most angelic voice, “God will get you.”
moreluck
golden ticket member
The Service
Our old friend Gladys attended church services one particular Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep.
After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, in an attempt to revive him from his stupor, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."
To which the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!"
Our old friend Gladys attended church services one particular Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep.
After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, in an attempt to revive him from his stupor, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."
To which the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!"
moreluck
golden ticket member
Ashamed
"I'm ashamed of the way we live," a young wife said to her lazy husband who refused to find a job. "My father pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food. My sister buys our clothes. My aunt bought us a car. I'm just so ashamed."
The husband rolled over on the couch. "You should be ashamed," he agreed. "Those two worthless brothers of yours never give us a cent."
"I'm ashamed of the way we live," a young wife said to her lazy husband who refused to find a job. "My father pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food. My sister buys our clothes. My aunt bought us a car. I'm just so ashamed."
The husband rolled over on the couch. "You should be ashamed," he agreed. "Those two worthless brothers of yours never give us a cent."
moreluck
golden ticket member
The village blacksmith hired an enthusiastic ne apprentice willing to work long, hard hours. He instructed the boy, "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil. When I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer."
The apprentice did exactly as he was told, and now he's the new village blacksmith.
The apprentice did exactly as he was told, and now he's the new village blacksmith.
