Jokes

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Whorehouse
A sailor returns to port after months at sea and heads to the nearest whorehouse.

The madam says she has only one girl available, and she'€™ll cost $1,000.

Because he'€™s desperate, the sailor agrees and heads up to the room.

When the hooker opens the door, she finds the sailor masturbating furiously.

"What the hell are you doing?"€ the hooker screams.

"œFor $1,000, you don'€™t think I'€™m going to let you have the easy one, do you?€" the sailor replies.

 

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A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's
lap as he read her a bedtime story.

From time to time, she would take
her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.

She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

"Yes, sweetheart," he answered,
"God made me a long time ago."

"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God
make me too?"

"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a
little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed,

"God's getting better at it, isn't he ?"

 

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Cowboy walks into a country western bar

And is in the mood for some dancin. He just creased his shirt, starched his pants and most importantly, spit shined his boots. Feeling confident he walks up to the first good looking girl he's says and asks her to dance. She says sure and they hit the dance floor. A little while in he says: "'scuse me miss, you don't happen to be wearing purple panties?" She says yes and when she asks how he knew he tells her that he just spit shined his boots. She slaps him and walks away. Still feeling confident he walks up to the next pretty girl he sees and asks her to dance. She says yes and together they go out to the dance floor. A little ways in he says: "'scuse me miss, you don't happen to be wearin pink panties?" She says yes and when she asks how he knew he told her that he just spit shined his boots. She slaps him and walks away. Still feeling it, he walks up to another gorgeous gal and asks her to dance. She obliges and they begin dancin'. A little ways he in he looks down at his boot, looks at the gal, then looks back down to his boot. He says to her: "miss, you aren't wearing any panties are you?" When she says no and asked how he knew he replies: "thank god, I thought I had a crack in my boot."

 

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Last week Miss Smith checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.
He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, a dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum... She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call. "Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?..."

Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I saw your ad in the yellow pages and understand you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now.

Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything. I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?" He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to dial “9” for an outside line Miss Smith."

 

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Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided they needed to spice up their love lives. All three agreed to wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes that evening with their respective lovers.After a few days they meet up for lunch and compared notes.
The engaged woman: "The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long."
The mistress: "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night."
The married woman: "I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night when my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'"

 

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An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled downin their old neighborhood.

To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their oldschool. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared & where hehad carved "I love you, Sally".

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured carpractically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, & they don't know whatto do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, & itsfifty-thousand dollars.
The husband says: "We've got to give it back".

She says, "Finders keepers" & puts the money back in the bag & hides it upin their attic.

The next day, two FBI men are going from door-to-door in the neighbourhoodlooking for the money show up at their home.

One knocks on the door & says: "Pardon me, but did either of you find anymoney that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"

She says: "No"..

The husband says: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

She says: "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

But the agents sit the man down & begin to question him.
One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

The old man says: "Well, when Sally & I were walking home from schoolyesterday ..."
At this, the FBI guy looks at his partner & says: "We're outta here ..."

 

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A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.

The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher... I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"No, I did not Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My good man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and asks the preacher... "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

 

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A hurricane blew across the Caribbean. It didn't take long for the expensive yacht to be swamped by high waves, sinking without a trace. There were only two survivors: the boat's owner Dr. Eskin and its steward Benny who managed to swim to the closest island.

After reaching the deserted strip of land, the steward was crying and very upset that they would never be found. The other man was quite calm, relaxing against a tree.

"Dr. Eskin, Dr. Eskin, how can you be so calm?" cried the Benny. "We're going to die on this lonely island. We'll never be discovered here."

"Sit down and listen to what I have to say, Benny," began the confident Dr. Eskin. "Five years ago I gave the United Way $500,000 and another $500,000 to the United Jewish Appeal. I donated the same amounts four years ago. And, three years ago, since I did very well in the stock market, I contributed $750,000 to each. Last year business was good, so the two charities each got a million dollars."

"So what?" shouted Benny.

"Well, it's time for their annual fund drives, and I know they're going to find me," smiled Dr. Eskin.

 

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[UpstateNYUPSer(Ret)]

I have to admit-----this is a good one.

 

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Cards You Will Never See In Hallmark

1. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
   
2. "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"
   
3. "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
   
4. "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you."
   
5. "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?"
   
6. "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
   
7. "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
   
8. "As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
   
9. "Thanks for being a part of my life!!!I never knew what evil was before this!"
   
10. "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
    
11. "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
    
12. "Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine."
    
13. "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!
    
14. "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
    
15. "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
    
16. "We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."
    
17. "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
    
18. "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"
    
19. "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
    
20. "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday ---so we're having you put to sleep."
    
21. "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas)

 

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Idle Conversation
A bored guy sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation.

He turns to bartender and says, "Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress..."

"STOP pal, I don't allow talk about politics in my bar!" interrupted the bartender.

A few minutes later the guy tried again, "People say about the Pope..."

"NO religion talk, either," the bartender cuts in.

One more try to break the boredom," I thought the Yankees would..."

"NO sports talk...That's how fights start in bars!" the barman said.

"Look, how about sex. Can I talk to you about sex?"

"Sure, that we can talk about." replies the barkeep.

"GREAT... GO SCREW YOURSELF

 

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You might be a redneck if...

You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.

When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.

Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.

Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.

You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.

You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".

You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.

Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.

The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection

 

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Q: What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?
A: Bacon and legs