Jokes
- Thread starter DS
- Start date
UpstateNYUPSer(Ret)
Well-Known Member
Even though this is not really a joke, it is true.
UpstateNYUPSer(Ret)
Well-Known Member
Yawn.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Things that I trust more than Hillary Clinton:
* Mexican tap water
* A rattlesnake with a "pet me" sign
* OJ Simpson showing me his knife collection
* A fart when I have diarrhea
* An elevator ride with Ray Rice
* Taking pills offered by Bill Cosby
* Michael Jackson's Doctor
* An Obama nuclear deal with Iran
* A Palestinian on a motorcycle
* Gas station Sushi
* A Jimmy Carter economic plan
* Brian William's news reports
* Loch Ness monster sightings
* Prayers for peace from Al Sharpton
* Mexican tap water
* A rattlesnake with a "pet me" sign
* OJ Simpson showing me his knife collection
* A fart when I have diarrhea
* An elevator ride with Ray Rice
* Taking pills offered by Bill Cosby
* Michael Jackson's Doctor
* An Obama nuclear deal with Iran
* A Palestinian on a motorcycle
* Gas station Sushi
* A Jimmy Carter economic plan
* Brian William's news reports
* Loch Ness monster sightings
* Prayers for peace from Al Sharpton
moreluck
golden ticket member
Condoms
A man walks into a drug store with his 8 year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,
"What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of -factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.....Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh, I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The Dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday."
"Cool, says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men." the Dad answers, "Two for Friday, Two for Saturday and Two for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up the 12 pack.
With a sigh, the Dad replied, "Those are for married men, one for January, one for February, one for March..."
A man walks into a drug store with his 8 year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,
"What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of -factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.....Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh, I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The Dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday."
"Cool, says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men." the Dad answers, "Two for Friday, Two for Saturday and Two for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up the 12 pack.
With a sigh, the Dad replied, "Those are for married men, one for January, one for February, one for March..."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Here are a list of new words that we could probably use in this new world...
1. Cashtration: The act of buying (or building) a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an ass.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize that it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of having sex.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
12. Karmageddon: It's like when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer.
13. Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
14. Glibido: All talk and no action.
15. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
16. Arachnoleptic Fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
17. Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
18. Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half of a worm in the fruit you're eating
1. Cashtration: The act of buying (or building) a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an ass.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize that it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of having sex.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
12. Karmageddon: It's like when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer.
13. Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
14. Glibido: All talk and no action.
15. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
16. Arachnoleptic Fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
17. Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
18. Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half of a worm in the fruit you're eating
moreluck
golden ticket member
In a kindergarten class 3 kids were told to compose sentences in English about starting their day using three words:
Green, Pink, Yellow
The 1st kid said, "I wake-a up een the morning, and-a I see the yellow sun, a green grass-a and I weesh-a that my day will be a pink day."?
The 2nd kid said, "I wake up in ze morning, I eat a yellow banana, a green pepper and in ze evening I watch ze Pink Pantter show on ze TV."?
Then comes the johnny, shaking his head, "I wake up in the morning, I hear the phone ringing green green, I pink it? up and I say Yellow."
Green, Pink, Yellow
The 1st kid said, "I wake-a up een the morning, and-a I see the yellow sun, a green grass-a and I weesh-a that my day will be a pink day."?
The 2nd kid said, "I wake up in ze morning, I eat a yellow banana, a green pepper and in ze evening I watch ze Pink Pantter show on ze TV."?
Then comes the johnny, shaking his head, "I wake up in the morning, I hear the phone ringing green green, I pink it? up and I say Yellow."
moreluck
golden ticket member
YOU know you need a Different Lawyer when ......
* You met him in prison.
* During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
* He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
* When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
* He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
* He tells you that he's never told a lie.
* He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
* A prison guard is shaving your head.
* You met him in prison.
* During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
* He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
* When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
* He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
* He tells you that he's never told a lie.
* He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
* A prison guard is shaving your head.
moreluck
golden ticket member
The dean of women at an exclusive girl's college was lecturing herstudents on sexual morality.
"In moments of temptation," said the speaker to the class, "ask yourselfjust one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"
A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask: "How do youmake it last an hour?"
"In moments of temptation," said the speaker to the class, "ask yourselfjust one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"
A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask: "How do youmake it last an hour?"
