Jokes

[moreluck]

Church Ladies....
Two elderly church ladies were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing the beer and liquor section.

One church lady asks the other if she would like a beer.

The other lady answered that would be good, but that since they have a reputation for being pillars of the community, she would be queasy about purchasing it.

The first lady said that she would handle it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier.

The cashier had a surprised look and the woman said, "This is for washing our hair."

The cashier without blinking an eye, reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer saying, "Here, don't forget the curlers."

 

[moreluck]

Apple Crops

Three farmers are talking about their apple crop.

The first one says, "I grew an apple so big, when I put it on a chair, the chair broke."

The second one says, "I grew an even bigger apple. When I put it on a table, the table broke."

The third one says, "I grew a pretty big one, too. I put it in a wagon."

The first farmer asks, "Did it break?"

The farmer answers, "No, a worm got out of it and ate the horse!"

 

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Gun Control

It has already started at Cabela's Sporting Goods when I shopped there yesterday.. When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amuck, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card-reader.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer. I still don't think I looked that bad.

 

[moreluck]

The Parrot

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.

The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious!

She stormed past the store to her work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.

The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and warned she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said, "Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."

 

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[UpstateNYUPSer(Ret)]

There is not enough slack in that chain to get the lock over the top of the pole.

 

[ZQXC]

There is not enough slack in that chain to get the lock over the top of the pole.

Seriously........, just lift up the bike.

 

[moreluck]

Three lunatics approach their Asylum doctor with a request for a weekend pass to the local city. "That's impossible says the doctor. You're all nuts. You'll get lost and never come back."

But, the lunatics wouldn't relent until finally, exasperated, and the doctor says "OK! If you can answer a simple question I'll sign the pass." He turns to the first lunatic and says "What's three times three?"

The lunatic starts counting on his fingers "3, 7, 19, 38?. Is it 128?"

The doctor shakes his head and turns to the next lunatic: "What's three times three?"

The lunatic immediately shouts "WEDNESDAY!" The doctor, beginning to get disgusted turns to the last lunatic: "What's three times three?"

The lunatic thinks for a moment and then asks for a pencil and a piece of paper. That provided, he writes for some time furiously, and finally looks up and says "Nine."

The doctor is amazed, but true to his word he begins filling out the pass. As he's writing he says "This is incredible, you've always been thoroughly insane. How'd you do it?"

The lunatic responds, "Oh, it was easy I divided 128 by Wednesday!"

 

[moreluck]

I'd add lose and loose.

 

[moreluck]

Teacher asks her class if anyone can tell her a three syllable word. After several guesses from other classmates, little Johnny raises his hand. The teacher reluctantly calls upon Johnny. "Urinate" says Johnny. "Correct" the teacher replies. "Can you now use it in a sentence?" Johnny replies with, "Urinate, but if your tits were bigger you'd be a ten".

 

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[UPSmechanicinblue]

There is not enough slack in that chain to get the lock over the top of the pole.

LOL

 

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[oldngray]