Jokes
- Thread starter DS
- Start date
Rack em
Made the Podium
OMFG this had me laughing so hard!
moreluck
golden ticket member
A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer), told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs, and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"
The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
The little boy admitted that she did.
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you."
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer), told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs, and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"
The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
The little boy admitted that she did.
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you."
moreluck
golden ticket member
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks incopying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies,not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot toquestion this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy,it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of thesubsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries,but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the originalmanuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundredsof years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R!
We missed the R!
We missed the R!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is cryinguncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was..
CELEBRATE"
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies,not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot toquestion this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy,it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of thesubsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries,but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the originalmanuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundredsof years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R!
We missed the R!
We missed the R!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is cryinguncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was..
CELEBRATE"
moreluck
golden ticket member
Ten Thoughts to Ponder...
...
Ten Thoughts to Ponder...
Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
Number 2
In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT...
America knows exactly where one cow with mad-cow disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America, but they haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe the USA should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration
...
Ten Thoughts to Ponder...
Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
Number 2
In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT...
America knows exactly where one cow with mad-cow disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America, but they haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe the USA should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration
moreluck
golden ticket member
ACTUAL LETTER....
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’ maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.
But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little friend-16 in my pants. Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call ‘an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.’
Isn’t the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer’s monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo’. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women.
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants… Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: ‘Have a Happy Period.’
Are you friend—— kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness – actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything ‘happy’ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’ or ‘Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong’.
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull. And that’s a promise I will keep.
Always…
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’ maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.
But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little friend-16 in my pants. Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call ‘an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.’
Isn’t the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer’s monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo’. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women.
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants… Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: ‘Have a Happy Period.’
Are you friend—— kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness – actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything ‘happy’ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’ or ‘Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong’.
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull. And that’s a promise I will keep.
Always…
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX
Future
Victory Ride
No ... No .... Not funny ......Yes it is
moreluck
golden ticket member
While volunteering in a soup kitchen, I hit it off with a very attractive single man. It was a relief, since my mother and I always laughed because the men to whom I was drawn were inevitably married. So, optimistic about my chances, I asked my new friend what he did for a living. He replied, "I'm a priest."
-Lisa Sasha-
-Lisa Sasha-
moreluck
golden ticket member
An old Chinese couple was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. At bed time the old lady looked over at her husband of 4 decades and said, "For our anniversary I want you to pick any sexual pleasure you desire and I will do it".
The old man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've always wanted to try the 69".
The old Chinese woman stared at her husband with a confused look on her face and said, "You want the beef with rice or chips?"
The old man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've always wanted to try the 69".
The old Chinese woman stared at her husband with a confused look on her face and said, "You want the beef with rice or chips?"
moreluck
golden ticket member
A first-grade teacher can't believe her student isn't excited about the Super Bowl. "It's a huge event. Why aren't you excited?"
"Because I'm not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too," says the student.
"Well that's a lousy reason," says the teacher. "What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?"
"Then I'd be a football fan."
"Because I'm not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too," says the student.
"Well that's a lousy reason," says the teacher. "What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?"
"Then I'd be a football fan."
UpstateNYUPSer(Ret)
Well-Known Member
How is this funny?
moreluck
golden ticket member
Since when are you a judge on Last Comic Standing??
moreluck
golden ticket member
complaints to @LONGWALL26 who submitted it to Reader's Digest
moreluck
golden ticket member
>
> CALIFORNIA
>
> The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature
> trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites
> the Governor.
>
> The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi"
> and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what
> is natural.
>
> He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills
> the state $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
>
> He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the
> State $200 testing it for diseases.
>
> The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for
> diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.
>
> The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game
> conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of
> dangerous animals.
>
> The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote
> awareness program" for residents of the area.
>
> The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat
> rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the
> world.
>
> The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack.
> The state spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with
> additional special training for the nature of coyotes.
>
> PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit
> against the state.
>
>
>
> TEXAS
>
> The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A
> coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.
>
> The Governor shoots the coyote with his state-issued pistol and keeps
> jogging. The Governor has spent $.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point
> cartridge.
>
> The buzzards eat the dead coyote.
>
>
>
> And that, my friends,
>
> is why California is broke and Texas is not.
> CALIFORNIA
>
> The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature
> trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites
> the Governor.
>
> The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi"
> and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what
> is natural.
>
> He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills
> the state $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
>
> He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the
> State $200 testing it for diseases.
>
> The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for
> diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.
>
> The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game
> conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of
> dangerous animals.
>
> The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote
> awareness program" for residents of the area.
>
> The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat
> rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the
> world.
>
> The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack.
> The state spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with
> additional special training for the nature of coyotes.
>
> PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit
> against the state.
>
>
>
> TEXAS
>
> The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A
> coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.
>
> The Governor shoots the coyote with his state-issued pistol and keeps
> jogging. The Governor has spent $.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point
> cartridge.
>
> The buzzards eat the dead coyote.
>
>
>
> And that, my friends,
>
> is why California is broke and Texas is not.
