Jokes

[moreluck]

A Jewish girl brings her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. He invites the fiancé to his study for schnapps.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the fiancé.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancé.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the fiancé insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

 

[moreluck]

How many Frat boys does it take to change a lightbulb?

11... One to hold the lightbulb, and 10 to drink until the room spins.

 

[moreluck]

A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates, waiting to be

admitted, while St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to

see if the guy is worthy.

St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his

brow and says to the guy, 'You know, I can't see that you

ever did anything really bad in your life, but you never did

anything really good either. If you can point to even one

REALLY GOOD DEED-- you're in.'

The guy thinks for a moment and says, 'Yeah, there was this

one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant

group of Biker Gang

Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to

see what was going on and sure enough, there they were, about

50 of 'em ripping the

clothes off this terrified young woman.

Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of

my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a Huge Guy

with a studded leather

jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I

walked up to the leader, the Biker Gang Rapists formed a

circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his

face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Layed

him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of them, 'Leave

this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a

bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you

all a lesson in pain!'

St. Peter, impressed, says, 'Really? When did this happen?'

'Oh, about two minutes ago.

 

[moreluck]

Everyone has a photographic memory.

Some don't have film.

 

[moreluck]

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

 

[moreluck]

Three Jewish Mothers Compare Sons...

Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a bench talking about how much their sons love them.
Sadie says, "You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is; he loves his mother."
Minnie says,"You call that love? You know the Mercedes I just got for Mother's Day? That's from my son Bernie. What a doll."
Shirley says "That's nothing. You know my son Stanley? He's in analysis with a psychoanalyst in Harley Street. Five session a week. And what does he talk about? Me."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: The Jewish quarterback:

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only
thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges
and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer
who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then, one night while watching Fox News he saw a war-zone scene in the
West Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli
soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into
a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football.
And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach
asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the
greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots
all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten
within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so
she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago."

 

[moreluck]

A passenger train is creeping along, painfully slowly. Finally, it creaks to a complete halt.
A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.
"What's going on?" she yells out the window.
"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.
Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again.
The woman sees the same conductor walking by again. She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"

 

[moreluck]

More than anything, Bob wanted to be a cowpoke. Taking pity on him, a rancher decided to hire the lad and give him a chance.
"This," he said, showing him a rope, "is a lariat. We use it to catch cows."
"I see," said Bob, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the lariat. "And what do you use for bait?"

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

This couple go to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon and are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off, "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs and comments, "See! That was more than 5 times a month!"
The second bull is to be sold, "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."
Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 5 times a month. What do you say to that?" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.
The third bull is up for sale, "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!"
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about you?"
The husband was pretty irritated by now and yells back, "Sure, once a day! Great! But, you ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!"

 

[moreluck]

An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building.
"Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor. "You've got to stop them."
"Don't worry, they'll be back," says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break.
When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, "Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?"
"Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do you want for that whistle?"

 

[moreluck]

Blondes on a plane
Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland.

Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced "One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry we have three engines left".

Thirty minutes later, the captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry we have two engines left".

An hour later the capain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left".

One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day"

 

[moreluck]

 

[clean hairy]

Morty decided to give MMA fighting a try.
He signed for 3 matches in one evening.
All 3 of his Opponents beat him by submission.
Morty got to his car, and there was a Police Officer about to write a ticket for expired Parking Meter.
Officer: I will not cite you if you put more money in the meter now.
Morty: Sorry Officer, I am tapped out!

 

[moreluck]

Two men sitting on a train are talking. One guy says, "Did you hear the one about the two Jews who are walking down the street..."
The other guy says, "Hold it! Why are you always telling jokes about Jews? I find it offensive. Why must they always be about Jews?"
"You're right," his friend replies and starts the joke again: "So, these two Chinese guys are walking down the street on the way to their nephew's bar mitzvah..."

 

[moreluck]

A woman went to the beach with her children. Her 4-year-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore where a dead seagull lay in the sand.
"Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked.
"He died and went to heaven," she replied.
The child thought for a moment and said, "And God threw him back down?"

 

[moreluck]

Walking with a lantern...

Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya going boy ?" The son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue." The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern." "Sure Pa, I know." the boy said. "And look what you got !"

 

[moreluck]

• 

 

[moreluck]

Q: How long should a good homily be?
A: It should be like a woman’s skirt: long enough to cover the essentials and short enough to keep you interested.