Jokes

[moreluck]

Ethical Problem....

An attorney had just finished a consultation with an elderly, nearly blind widow, for which he charged her $100. The widow opened her purse and removed a $100 bill. When the lawyer accepted it, he noticed there was another 100 stuck to it. Immediately the lawyers keen legal mind realized he was faced with a vital ethical question:

Should he tell his partner?

 

[moreluck]

One Line Zingers

• If Cain and Able were Siamese twins, would they be Cable?
  
• Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
  
• The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.
  
• "I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money.
  
• Warning notice at a seminary swimming pool: First-year students are only allowed to walk on the shallow end.
  
• "If absence makes the heart grow fonder, said a minister, a lot of folks must love our church.

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

“What do you call keys born on the same day? Twinkies!”

 

[UpstateNYUPSer(Ret)]

“What do you call keys born on the same day?”

Duplicates? Copies?

 

[moreluck]

Duplicates? Copies?

.......and where's the 'pun' in that ??????

 

[moreluck]

Duplicates? Copies?

• 

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

Bagpipes ...

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow thathas passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper,I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at agraveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so theservice was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone andthe hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew leftand they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heartand soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept,we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anythinglike that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.

When you have stopped laughing be sure to forward this on to others who would enjoy a good story.

 

[moreluck]

A United State Government Employee sits in his office and

out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing

cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an

old brass lamp.

"This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and

takes it home with him.

While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him

three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold diet Coke right now!"

He gets his Coke and drinks it.

Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second

wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful

nymphomaniacs reside." Suddenly he is on an island with

gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.

He tells the genie his third and last wish. "I wish I'd

never have to work ever again."



POOF! He's back in his government office.

 

[moreluck]

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.
The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"
The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work."
The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud...They're hookers!"
A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?"
The mother replies, "Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"

 

[moreluck]

A blonde, brunette and redhead were smoking cigarettes one afternoon. The blonde had Camels, redhead had Marlboros, and the brunette had Kools. It began to pour down raining, so the redhead and brunette both pull out condoms and put them on their cigarettes. The blonde asks, "What are you doing?" and they reply, "We're saving it for later." Impressed, and in a hurry, the blonde goes to the nearest store and asks for a condom. The clerk says "What size: small, medium, or large?" She answers, "I don't know, one to fit a camel?"

 

[moreluck]

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
"It`s for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn`t even know that I`m going to shoot him!"

 

[moreluck]

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.
Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

 

[moreluck]

Raffle prizes...
Bubba & Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when the decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's that toilet brush?"
"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."

 

[Linvpnux]

You ever seen an wrapped in plastic? Look at your drivers licence.

 

[moreluck]

Q: What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo?
A: A sweater with big pockets.

 

[moreluck]

Chinese Tour Guide Interpreted



There was this Chinese girl at a tour agency when I was in Shanghai. I asked her if she could escort me for a city tour and asked for her mobile number so I could call her to make arrangements.


She got excited and said:

“sex, sex, sex, wan free sex for tonigh”


Wow, I’m guessing this is how Chinese women extend their hospitality!


But then, my friend interpreted it for me and told me what she really said: 666136429

 

[moreluck]

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

"What size?" asks the clerk.

"Gee, I don't know."

"Go see Sophie in aisle 4."

He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!"

The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.

Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells,
"Large!"

The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.

A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.
"What size?"

The kid embarrassedly says, "I've never done this before. I don't know what size."

The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4.
She grabs him and yells,

"Clean up in aisle 4!"

 

[moreluck]

The Wailing Wall....

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an


apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she

looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So,

the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old

man.


She asks, "You come every day to the wall. How long have you

done that and what are you praying for?" The old man

replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In

the morning I pray for world peace and then for the

brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea and I come

back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from

the earth."


The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come

here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she

asks.


The old man looks at her sadly. "Like I'm talking to a

wall."