Jokes

[moreluck]

Two engineering students meet on campus one day.The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey -- Nice bike! Where did you get it?"
"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young co-ed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes,and says 'You can have ANYTHING you want!!' "
"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."

 

[moreluck]

For chocolate lovers...

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

An icebox of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place.Isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate,it will keep inthe freezer...But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

Money talks. Chocolate sings.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

 

[moreluck]

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the driver, he was astounded to see that the woman behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn, and yelled, PULLOVER!"
"NO," the woman yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

 

[Future]

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the driver, he was astounded to see that the woman behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn, and yelled, PULLOVER!"
"NO," the woman yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

 

[moreluck]

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

 

[moreluck]

Catholic Definitions....

Choir: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.

Holy Water: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

Hymn: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range.

Incense: Holy Smoke!

Jesuits: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.

Jonah: The original “Jaws” story.

Justice: When your children have kids of their own.

Kyrie Eleison: The only Greek words that most Catholics an recognize besides gyros and baklava.

Magi: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

Manger:
1- Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn’t covered by an HMO.
2- The Bible’s way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.

Pew: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.

Procession: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

Recessional: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass—lead by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

Relics: People who have been going to Mass for so long that they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

Ten Commandments: The most important Top Ten list not produced by David Letterman.

Ushers: The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew.

 

[moreluck]

"The fees for withdrawing money from your ATM machines are expected to double, even triple. You're gonna pay two to three as much to withdraw your money so basically the ATM machines have become full service. Instead of getting robbed at the ATM machine the ATM machine robs you. You eliminate the middle man." - Jay Leno-

 

[moreluck]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a"BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" -She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a"LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a"PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" -She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes"VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11 She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUEHOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a"LOW COST PROVIDER."


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He hasdeveloped a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" -He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICULER REGRESSION."

5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers"GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" -He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of"RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - Hehas "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is"RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLYFOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants-It's"REAR CLEAVAGE."

 

[moreluck]

Horse Race

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me - it's this horse. What is he - deaf or something?"

The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!"

 

[Ya Dad]

My girlfriend was sad, so I asked if she wanted to hear a joke. She said no but I told her one anyway lol. I made it up spur of the moment with no idea how it would end as I was telling it. So here's the joke I told that day:

So a man walks into a bar. He sits down at the bar and asks the bartender, "So who are the locals around here?"
The bartender says, "Well...that's old Joe sittin' down over there"
The man asks why he is called old Joe, and the bartender says back, "Well he's about 70 years old, been coming here for awhile, so that's just what his name is."
The man says, "Oh. Ok then. So who's that woman sitting at the table over there?"
Bartender replies back, "That's Big Susan. We call her that because she's a pretty big woman, so that's just what her name is."
So the man sits there for a bit, then asks, "So...what other locals do you have around here?"
The Bartender thinks about it for a second, then says, " Well, there's a feller who comes here every night by the name of Al. We call him Al Zheimer"
The man asks, "Why do you call him that??"
Bartender says, "Because he comes around here the same damn time every night, and every damn night he asks who the locals are around here, and every night I have to tell him the same damn thing."
The man says, "Hah! I'd sure love to meet him!"
And the bartender says back, "Yeah...I'm sure you would."

 

[moreluck]

"Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?" asked President Franklin D. Roosevelt.

"Do we?" replied New York Mayor Al Smith.



Finnegan's wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning him.

"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.

"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said Finnegan.

 

[moreluck]

You know you are a redneck if you get written up in the

paper for a D.U.I.

and your family buys extra copies

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient.
"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said.
"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked.
"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the neighborhood, so for public safety, he was committed.

He was put in a room with another crazy and immediately began his routine, "I am John The Baptist! Jesus Christ has sent me!"

The other guy looks at him and declares, "I did not!"

 

[moreluck]

A New Hampshireman stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip -- three pennies.
As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself: "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves."
The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. "Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?"
"Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man."
Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters, "Hmm, true enough."
"And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor."
Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too."
"And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too."

 

[moreluck]

A lawyer was standing in a long line to get tickets for a play. Suddenly, he felt the hands of the man behind him, kneading into his back. He turned and gave the man a stern look, and the kneading stopped. But a few minutes later, he again felt the man's hands on his back.
"Excuse me," the lawyer asked, "But why are you touching my back?"
"I'm a chiropractor," the man replied, "and I sometimes I can't keep myself from practicing my skills."
"Get control of yourself," the lawyer shot back. "I'm an attorney, and you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

 

[Boulevard859710]

Getting a direct tv call tag on the first attempt.

And even actually picking it up at all.

 

[El Correcto]

And even actually picking it up at all.

Yup, happens many times, a lot of people don't even have the boxes yet lol!