Jokes

[moreluck]

A priest was sent to a very small church in the backwoods of Alaska. After a couple of years the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing. The priest said that it was a really lonely job and that he didn't think that he could have made it without his Rosary and two martinis each day. With that the priest said to the Bishop, "Would you like to have a martini with me?" The Bishop said, "Yes, that would be nice." The priest turned around and hollered toward the kitchen, "Rosary, would you fix us two martinis please?"

 

[moreluck]

Jeff Dunham: Coffee as a Sex-Enhancer?
Walter: My wife and I heard that coffee is good for your sex life. Jeff Dunham: Oh, and is it? Walter: No. It kept me awake for the whole damn thing. I actually had to participate!

 

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Todd Barry: Summer School
I never understood the concept of summer school. The teachers going to go up there and go, OK, class, you know that subject you couldnt grasp in nine months? Were going to whip it out in six weeks.

 

[moreluck]

After invading Greece, Philip II of Macedonia sent a threatening message to the Spartans. "You are advised to submit without delay, for if I bring my army on your land, I will destroy your farms, slay your people and raze your city."
The Spartans replied with one word: "If".

 

[moreluck]

The hostess apologized to the Duke of Wellington, the hero of Waterloo, for the rude behavior of French officers who had turned their backs on him when he entered the party. His reply? "I have seen their backs before."

 

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[moreluck]

The last job I had, I had to wear this badge around my neck all day -- like, a laminated badge. Its like a backstage pass to the crappiest concert ever invented.

 

[moreluck]

The first of the month is here. Here are some responses tenants gave their landlords after not paying the rent on time:

-I didn't pay the rent because I'm saving up to move.
-My last landlord had no problem with me paying late. This seems to be a real big issue with you.
-"Well, if I wasn't late with the rent, you'd never come to see me."
-"I'm getting real tired of paying this rent every month. You'll just have to wait."

 

[Brown echo]

all those Republicans

 

[moreluck]

 

[Brown echo]

 

[moreluck]

My husband brought the kids to a baseball game, so I woke them up at 2:00 a.m. to feed them candy. No way I'm losing the "favorite parent" battle.

 

[moreluck]

Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin's penis was twisted like a corkscrew.
"Wow," Gary said. "I've never seen one like that before."
"Like what?" Martin said.
"All twisted like a pig's tail," Gary said.
"Well, what's yours like?" Martin said.
"Straight, like normal," Gary said.
"I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Martin said.
Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants.
"What did you do that for?" Martin said.
"Shaking off the excess drops," Gary said. "Like normal."
"Shoot!" Martin said. "And all these years I've been wringing it."

 

[moreluck]

When I have a kid, I wanna put him/her in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic. ~Steven Wright~

 

[moreluck]

I'm pretty sure the dinosaurs died out when they stopped gathering food and started having status meetings to discuss gathering food.

 

[moreluck]

There are three girls at a bar, a red head, a brunette, and a blonde.

They have a seat at the bar. The bar tender says, "If you go into the bathroom there is a mirror. Look into the mirror and tell anything in your life that you believe is true. If you are telling the truth then "POOF" a hundred dollars pops out, if you lie then "POOF" you'll disappear."

So the red head goes in first and stares deeply into the mirror and proclaims, "I think that i am the most beautiful woman in the world!", "POOF" a hundred dollars pops out.

Then the brunette goes in. "I think that i am the smartest woman in the world," "POOF" a hundred dollars pops out.

Now it's the blonde's turn. She slowly walks into the bathroom with her hands over her eyes and peeks between her fingers at the mirror. She waits... nothing happens... she is glad. She stands bravely and states, "I think... "POOF " she disappears.

 

[moreluck]

If my psychiatrist said, "There's really nothing more I can do for you," that means I'm cured, right??

 

[moreluck]

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"