UpstateNYUPSer(Ret)
Well-Known Member
Seven year olds and unions? Really?
Jokes
- Thread starter DS
- Start date
moreluck
golden ticket member
Sayings seen at work.....
10. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
9. If at first you don't succeed...try management.
8. TEAMWORK means never having to take all the blame yourself.
7. Hang in there....retirement is only 35 years away!
6. Go the extra mile...it makes your supervisor look incompetent.
5. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
4. Administration...we waste time so you don't have to.
3. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
2. A person who smiles in the face of adversity, probably has a scapegoat.
1. Succeed in spite of Administration.
10. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
9. If at first you don't succeed...try management.
8. TEAMWORK means never having to take all the blame yourself.
7. Hang in there....retirement is only 35 years away!
6. Go the extra mile...it makes your supervisor look incompetent.
5. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
4. Administration...we waste time so you don't have to.
3. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
2. A person who smiles in the face of adversity, probably has a scapegoat.
1. Succeed in spite of Administration.
UpstateNYUPSer(Ret)
Well-Known Member
Viagra does not lengthen the penis.
Sent using BrownCafe App
Sent using BrownCafe App
UpstateNYUPSer(Ret)
Well-Known Member
The sad part is that few of the jokes that you have posted thus far make sense and even fewer are funny.
and this affects your life how ??
moreluck
golden ticket member
The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semi-finalists, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Arkansas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word a come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu."
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said...
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan,
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination-Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited...
Me and Tim a huntin' went,
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
The redneck won, hands down!
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said...
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan,
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination-Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited...
Me and Tim a huntin' went,
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
The redneck won, hands down!
moreluck
golden ticket member
Great Advice to Pass on to Your Daughters.....
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal...
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal...
upschuck
Well-Known Member
They are jokes, they are not factual statements meant to be scrutinized. If you didn't scrutinize them so much, then they might put a smile on your face.
realbrown1
Annoy a liberal today. Hit them with facts.
A Man received the following text from his neighbor:
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, an...d without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, an...d without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".
UpstateNYUPSer(Ret)
Well-Known Member
Am I missing something? How is this even remotely funny?
moreluck
golden ticket member
DUCKS IN HEAVEN
Three women die together in an accidentAnd go to heaven.When they get there, St. Peter says,
'We only have one rule here in heaven
on't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough,There are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,And although they try their best to avoid them.
The first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.St. Peter chains them together and says,
'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is toSpend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day,The second woman steps accidentally on a duck.
And along comes St. Peter,Who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man.He chains them together.
With the same admonishment as for the first woman.The third woman has observed all this and,
Not wanting to be chainedFor all eternity to an ugly man, is very,
VERYcareful where she steps.She manages to go months.
Without stepping on any ducks,thenOne day St.Peter comes up to her
With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.The happy woman says,
'I wonder what I did to deserve beingChained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says,'I don't know about you,
But I stepped on aDuck.
Three women die together in an accidentAnd go to heaven.When they get there, St. Peter says,
'We only have one rule here in heaven
on't step on the ducks!'So they enter heaven, and sure enough,There are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,And although they try their best to avoid them.
The first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.St. Peter chains them together and says,
'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is toSpend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day,The second woman steps accidentally on a duck.
And along comes St. Peter,Who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man.He chains them together.
With the same admonishment as for the first woman.The third woman has observed all this and,
Not wanting to be chainedFor all eternity to an ugly man, is very,
VERYcareful where she steps.She manages to go months.
Without stepping on any ducks,thenOne day St.Peter comes up to her
With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.The happy woman says,
'I wonder what I did to deserve beingChained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says,'I don't know about you,
But I stepped on aDuck.
moreluck
golden ticket member
moreluck
golden ticket member
Men Are Just Happier People......
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
moreluck
golden ticket member
In church, I heard a sweet elderly lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer. It was so innocent and sincere that I just have to share it with you:
"Dear Lord,
This has been a tough four to five years.
You have taken my favorite actor Patrick Swayze.
My favorite musician Michael Jackson.
My favorite Blues Singer Amy Winehouse.
My favorite actress Elizabeth Taylor.
My favorite singer Whitney Houston.
And now my favorite author Tom Clancy.
I just wanted you to know that my favorite politicians are
Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi, and Harry Reid.
Amen."
"Dear Lord,
This has been a tough four to five years.
You have taken my favorite actor Patrick Swayze.
My favorite musician Michael Jackson.
My favorite Blues Singer Amy Winehouse.
My favorite actress Elizabeth Taylor.
My favorite singer Whitney Houston.
And now my favorite author Tom Clancy.
I just wanted you to know that my favorite politicians are
Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi, and Harry Reid.
Amen."
moreluck
golden ticket member
A man goes to the doctor complaining about stomach problems. The doctor asks him what he's been eating.
"I only eat pool balls," he says. "Red ones for breakfast, yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue for afternoon snacks, and purple and black for dinner."
"I see the problem," says the doctor. "You're not getting enough greens."
"I only eat pool balls," he says. "Red ones for breakfast, yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue for afternoon snacks, and purple and black for dinner."
"I see the problem," says the doctor. "You're not getting enough greens."
