Jokes

[moreluck]

THINGS YOU WISH YOU'D HEAR...

1. From your auto mechanic:

"That part is much less expensive than I thought."
"I've never seen anyone maintain his car as well as you do."
"You could get that done more cheaply at the garage down the street."
"It was just a loose wire - No charge."

2. From a store clerk:
"The computerized cash register is down. I'll just add up your purchases with a pencil and paper."
"We're sorry we sold you defective merchandise. We'll pick it up at your home and bring you a new one, or give you a complete refund...whichever you prefer."

3. From a contractor:
"Whoever worked on this before sure knew what he was doing."
"I think I came in a little high on that estimate."

4. From a dentist:
"I think you're flossing too much."
"I won't ask any questions until I take the drill out of your mouth."

5. From a restaurant server:
"I think it's presumptuous for a waiter to volunteer his name, but since you ask, it's Tom."
"I was slow and inattentive. I cannot accept any tip."

 

[moreluck]

The hesitant out-of-state driver, waiting for traffic to clear, came to a complete stop on a freeway ramp. The traffic thinned but the intimidated driver still waited. Finally an infuriated voice yelled from the car behind, "The sign says to yield, not to give up."

 

[moreluck]

Sunday after church, a mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared; you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the mom was perplexed.
Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said, "Be not afraid; thy comforter is coming."

 

[moreluck]

Ole is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, and is withhis nurse, his wife, his daughter and his best and dearest friend. Sven.

"So", he says to them, "My dear wife, Lena, I want you to takethe Minnetonka houses and all the residential buildings downtown; daughter, take the apartments overin Edina; and my best friend, Sven, I want you to take the offices over on Hennepin."

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Ole slips away, shesays, "Lena, your husband must have been such a hardworkingman to have accumulated all this property."

Lena replies, "PROPERTY?????...The idiot had a paper route!"

 

[moreluck]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating." The men in the congregation gasped as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced. She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum." Again, the men in congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim. She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, his scrotum should recover completely." all the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, "I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, the word is sternum."

 

[moreluck]

Contraceptive Effectiveness
Funny Pictures «« - »»

 

[moreluck]

Florida

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.“Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding – a reason I’ve never before heard – I’ll let you go..”
The old gentleman paused then said, “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”
“Have a good day, Sir,” replied the trooper.

Georgia


The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, “Y’all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everthang but my earrings.”
Louisiana

A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying, “When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana.”
When asked why, he replied, “I’d rather be in Louisiana ‘cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world.”
Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, “Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!”
Bubba replied, “Did y’all see who it was?”

The young man answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number.”
North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, “I got a flat tahr.”

The passerby asked, “But what’s with the flowers?”
The man responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.”
Tennessee

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, “Got any ID?”
The driver replied, “Bout whut?”
Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head.”

“Yep,” he replied. “That’s why I’m dumpin’ it here, ‘cause it says: ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage.’”

Y’all kin say whut y’all want ‘bout the South, but y’all never heard a’ nobody retirin’ an’ movin’ North.

 

[moreluck]

Fog forced our Puerto Rico-to-New York plane to be diverted to Washington, D.C. As I left the cockpit, a passenger complained, "A little bit of fog never stopped a train from getting to its destination."

I was about to respond, but his wife did the honors. "That’s right, Louie," she said.

"Next time you want to go from San Juan to New York, you take the train."

 

[moreluck]

Here's a job to avoid: hiring manager. See what you'd have to contend with...


1. The candidate answered his cell phone and asked the interviewer to leave her own office because it was a "private" conversation.

2. The candidate told the interviewer he wouldn't stay with the job long because he might get an inheritance if his uncle died— and the old man wasn't "looking too good."

3. The candidate said she couldn't provide a writing sample because all her writing had been for the CIA and it was "classified."

4. When the applicant was offered food, he declined, saying he didn't want to line his stomach with grease before going out drinking.

5. The candidate flushed the toilet while talking to the interviewer during a phone interview.

 

[moreluck]

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don't speak the same language.
For instance, Take the simple phrase "secure the building".

The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.
The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.

 

[moreluck]

You Know You're Over The Hill When...

1. You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.

2. You're sitting on a park bench and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.

3. Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.

4. You tune into the easy listening station...on purpose.

5. You discover that your measurements are now small, medium and large...In that order.

6. You light the candles on your birthday cake and a group of campers form a circle and start singing Cumbaya..

7. You keep repeating yourself.

8. You start video taping daytime game shows.

9. At the airport, they ask to check your bags...and you're not carrying any luggage.

10. You wonder why you waited so long to take up macrame.

11. Your Insurance Company has started sending you their free calendar...a month at a time.

12. At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.

13. Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

14. When you do the "Hokey Pokey" you put your left hip out...and it stays out.

15. One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.

16. Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
17. You keep repeating yourself.
18. It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
19. You discover the words, "whippersnapper, " "scalawag" and "by-cracky" creeping into your vocabulary.
20. You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.
21. You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays... "
22. You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
23. You look both ways before crossing a room.
24. Your social security number only has three digits.
25. You keep repeating yourself.
26. You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
27. You go to a Garden Party and you're mainly interested in the garden.
28. You find your mouth making promises your body can't keep.
29. The waiter asks how you'd like your steak...and you say "pureed."
30. At parties you attend, "regularity" is considered the topic of choice.

 

[moreluck]

EVER WONDER Why??


Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Why doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man Who invests all your money is called a broker?

Why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?

Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why they don't make the Whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?

Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

 

[Xexys]

How come math teachers don't have a sense of humor?










They have a lot of problems...

 

[moreluck]

One day in artillery instruction, a colonel came to inspect our class. First up was Private O'Hara. The colonel got in his face and asked him what reading he had on his 105 mm. howitzer. "Two- nine-oh-seven, sir," was the reply.

"Soldier," said the colonel, "don't you know you never say 'oh' in the artillery? You say 'zero.' What's your name, soldier?"

"Zero Hara, sir," answered the private.

 

[moreluck]

A grade school teacher was instructing her students on the value of coins. She took a half-dollar and laid it on her desk. "Can any of you tell me what it is?" she asked.

From the back of the room came the answer: "Tails!"

 

[moreluck]

I have a friend who saw her dream of proclaiming her love for tofu, mercilessly crushed by the California Division of Motor Vehicles.

They absolutely prohibited her from purchasing and displaying a vanity plate, designed to demonstrate her affection for that bean-curd stuff.

The DMV claimed that the plate would have been obscene. Kelley's plate was to have read: ILVTOFU. Now who could mistake this wholesome sentiment for something else?

 

[UpstateNYUPSer(Ret)]

We had a lady who worked for a local insurance company (Northern Insurance) who decided to change her vanity plate (NO INS) after she grew tired of dealing with the hassle of trying to cross the border in to Canada and back. I guess the Border Patrol boys didn't have a sense of humor.

 

[moreluck]

I was teaching verb tenses to my second-graders explaining the past, present, and future tenses. "The past is what has already happened, such as eating your breakfast and morning recess," I explained. "The present is right now; what's happening at this moment. The next tense is about what's going to happen. Does anyone know what we call what's going to happen next?" "I know" said Dean. "Lunch!"

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural- history lesson. "Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?"
One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have a union."