Jokes

[Operational needs]

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You have sex with her again."

 

[Operational needs]

One day when the teacher walked into the classroom,
she noticed that someone had written the word
'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned
the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she
rubbed the word off and began class. The next day, the
word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time
it was written about halfway across the board. Again
she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she
proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for
about a week, she went into the classroom and found
the same disgusting word written on the board, each
day's being larger than the previous one, and each
being rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the second
week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the
same word on the board but instead found the words:
"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

 

[Operational needs]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. ”I think you're bad luck."

 

[Operational needs]

A woman's husband was on his deathbed, with his wife by his side holding his hands. He tells her "My love, you have been by my side all these years, but I harbor a secret. I slept with your sister a few times the past years, her daughter is mine, its been killing me having to hide it from you this whole time. I just hope you can forgive me." she replies, "I know, now let the poison do its job."

 

[Operational needs]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." The man replied, "I agree with you completely." "This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cork back in and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

 

[Operational needs]

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

 

[moreluck]

Q: What do you get when you cross a porcupine with a sheep?
A: An animal that knits its own sweaters.

 

[Catatonic]

I am in Atlanta complaining about the weather but I just got off the phone with a friend in North Dakota.

He said that since this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is near gale force.

His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.

He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in"

 

[moreluck]

Two blonde carpenters were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.

The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!"

The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, "You maroon! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

 

[moreluck]

IT'S "JAWS" TO ME!

After a spate of shark attacks in Australia, the Week asked its readers to create that country's next tourism slogan. Here's what they came up with:

1. "What happens off the coast of Australia, stays off the coast of Australia."

2. "We'll throw another limb on the barbie."

3. "Australia: Disarmingly beautiful."

4. "Our visitors: The other white meat."

5. "Not quite heaven, but you can get there from here."

 

[moreluck]

For Coffee Drinkers: You know you are addicted to coffee if ...

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other people's fingernails.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
People get dizzy just watching you.
Instant coffee takes too long.
You channel surf faster without a remote.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You short out motion detectors.
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You help your dog chase its tail.
You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
You ski uphill.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You answer the door before people knock.
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

 

[moreluck]

When I worked as a medical intern in a hospital, one of my patients was an elderly man with a thick accent. It took a while before I understood that he had no health insurance. Since he was a World War II veteran, I had him transported to a VA hospital, where he'd be eligible for benefits.
The next day, my patient was back, along with this note from the VA admitting nurse: "Right war, wrong side."

 

[moreluck]

A farmer goes to the bank to ask for a loan. When the loan officer denies him credit the farmer's dog bites the officer. Then she turns around and bites one of the customers. The loan officer asks the farmer:

I understand why your dog bit me. But why did she bite the customer.

I don't know...probably to get the bad taste out of her mouth.

 

[moreluck]

One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your life? Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!"Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad."

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

• 
  Teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to bewhen you grow up?"
  
  Little Johnny says: "I wanna be a billionaire, go to the most expensiveclubs, find me the finest bitch,give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in MonteCarlo, a mansion on the beach,a jet to travel throughout Europe, and an Infinite Visa Card, whilebanging her three times a day".
  
  The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horribleresponse from little Johnny,decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the less and asks:
  
  "And how about you, Sarah?"
  "I thought I wanted to be a nurse. But, friend--- that -- I want to beJohnny's bitch."

 

[moreluck]

What do you get if you cross a sorceress with a millionaire?
A very witch person

 

[moreluck]

Mis-translatons in Western Europe.....

Cocktail lounge, Norway: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.


Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: We take your bags and send them in all directions.


Hotel, Vienna: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.


At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. if you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.


Hotel lobby, Bucharest: The lift is being fixed for the next day. during that time we regret that you will be unbearable.


Doctor's office, Rome: Specialist in women and other diseases.


A laundry in Rome: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.


In an Italian cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.


Hotel brochure, Italy: This hotel is renowned for its peace and solitude. in fact, crowds from all over the world flock here to enjoy its solitude.


In a Swiss Mountain inn: Special today - No ice-cream.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.


A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our Black Borest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for this purpose.


A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer in Germany: Do not activate with wet hands.


On the grounds of a private school in Scotland: No trespassing without permission.

Hotel elevator, Paris: Please leave your values at the front desk.

 

[moreluck]

More new rules .....
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis

.New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the . If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf Grande half-soy, half-low Fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge .

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper? Plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the middle class version of looting.

New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.

 

[moreluck]

My husband and I both look very young for our ages. In fact, we've hardly aged a day since we first laid eyes on each other in college...at least, that's what we tell each other. Our children have a way of bringing us crashing back to earth.

Recently, my husband and I were discussing a man who was running for public office.

"He's a Vietnam Vet," commented my husband.

"What's that?" queried our young daughter.

Trying to answer the question in terms a four-year-old could readily grasp, my husband replied, "Well, Honey, that means that the man fought in a war that happened when Mommy and Daddy were little."

Our daughter regarded us both thoughtfully for a moment, then asked "So, was he a Viking?"