Jokes

[moreluck]

DMV


When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local DMV was packed.

The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The woman beside him peered over his shoulder, then reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

 

[moreluck]

Thursday Afternoon


A Russian man saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car.

After choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least bit surprised or even concerned to learn that it would take two years for the new car to be delivered. He thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns back to the salesman. "Do you know which week two years from now the new car will arrive?" he asks.

The salesman checks his notes and tells the man that it will be two years to the exact week. The man thanks the salesman and starts out again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again.

"Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now the car will arrive?" The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday. The man thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave.

Halfway though the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the salesman. "I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the afternoon?"

Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years from now on Thursday.

"That's a relief!" says the man. "The plumber is coming in the morning!"

 

[moreluck]

Slick Lawyer


A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

 

[moreluck]

In honor of "Moo"...........


Cows
This is a cool puzzler. See if you can follow it:
1. Say COW before each word:
> Cows
> About
> Talking
> You
> Got
> I
> Long
> How
> Look
2. Say COW after each word:
Cows <
About <
Talking <
You <
Got <
I <
Long <
How <
Look <
3. Say COW before and after each word:
> Cows <
> About <
> Talking <
> You <
> Got <
> I <
> Long <
> How <
> Look <
4. Start at the bottom and read the words upwards:
Cows
About
Talking
You
Got
I
Long
How
Look

 

[moreluck]

Without Glasses


Soon after their last child left home for college, Linda's husband was resting next to her on the couch with his head in her lap.

She carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," she said sweetly, "Without your glasses, you look like the same handsome young man I married."

"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"

 

[moreluck]

The End is Near


A priest and pastor from the local churches are standing by the side of the road pounding a sign into the ground that reads:
"The End Is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"

"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled a driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?"

 

[moreluck]

Hebrew School


Little Sammy was studying Torah for his Bar Mitzvah and was asked what he had learned in Hebrew school.

"Well, momma, the rabbi told us how G-d sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When they got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the Jews walked across safely. Then the Egyptians followed Moses, who used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for air cover. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and drown the Egyptians, and the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Sammy, is that really what the rabbi taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, momma, but if I told it the way the rabbi did, you'd never believe it!"

 

[moreluck]

Paint Thinner


There was a Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jack, who was very interested in making a pound where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time.

Eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest churches. Jack put in a painting bid and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and...yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine.


Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack off the scaffold to land on the lawn.

Now, Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

 

[moreluck]

The Little Mouse


There was a little mouse in his little hole in the wall.

The one day that he really wanted to take a walk, a huge cat was right at his step. The little mouse was so upset that he couldn't leave.

While he was trying to figure it out, he heard a dog barking. That's when he got a great thought. He said to himself, "Where there is a dog there is no cat, and where there's no cat, I can go for my walk."

So he strutted on out of his hole.

All of a sudden the cat grabbed the mouse, chewed him up, and ate him, then said, "Wow, it's great to be bilingual!"

 

[moreluck]

Close Quarters


It was a really hot day at the office. There were about 20 people in close quarters and everyone was sweating, even with a fan on. All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle their noses at an odor passing through the air. It was the most hideous smell anyone had ever smelled.

One man said, "Uh oh, someone's deodorant isn't working."

A man in the corner replied, "It can't be me. I'm not wearing any."

 

[moreluck]

First Ride


It was young Anthony's first ride in a railway train, and the succession of wonders reduced him to a state of hysterical astonishment.

The train rounded a slight bend and, with a shriek of its whistle, plunged into a tunnel. There were gasps of surprise from the corner where Anthony was kneeling.

Suddenly the train rushed into broad daylight again, and a small voice lifted in wonder.

"It's tomorrow!" exclaimed the small boy.

 

[Packmule]

I must be destined for politics as the word SPINE never entered my mind.

Me either!

 

[moreluck]

Best Deals


A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.'

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.'

The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read: 'MAIN ENTRANCE'

 

[moreluck]

Hide the Truth


One evening Mick drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

Later that night the Mick and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly, he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.

With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat.

"Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"

 

[moreluck]

People get really upset when you use the "friend" word. So much so, that I can't even write the full word out, but have to referto it as the "friend" word. However, despite what many educators, and pious people believe, there are times when the "friend" word just makes sense. And that is why we are bringing you ... TIMES WHEN THE "friend" WORD WAS APPROPRIATE


"What the friend was that?" -- Mayor of Hiroshima


"Where did all these friend'ing Indians come from?" -- General Custer"


Any friend'ing idiot could understand that." -- Albert Einstein


"It does so friend'ing look like her!" -- Pablo Picasso


"How the friend did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras

"You want WHAT on the friend'ing ceiling?" -- Michaelangelo

"I don't suppose its gonna friend'ing rain?" -- Joan of Arc

"Scattered friend'ing showers my ass." -- Noah

"I need this parade like I need a friend'ing hole in my head." -- John friend. Kennedy


"Who the friend is going to know? " -- Bill Clinton

 

[moreluck]

AMISH LADY DRIVER IS PULLED OVER:

AMISH LADY DRIVER IS PULLED OVER:
"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn
you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it
could be dangerous."


"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband
repair it as soon as I return home."


"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your horse’s reins is
wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty
to animals so you should have your husband check that too."


"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home."


True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband
about the broken reflector.


He said he would put a new one on immediately.


"Also," said the Amish woman, "The policeman said there was something
wrong with the emergency brake."

 

[moreluck]

Proofread much ??

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures......Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide.......They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges......You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge.......He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group........Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft.....That's what he gets for eating those beans!
---------------- ---------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks.....Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half........Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors.........Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is....Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead.........Did I read that right?

 

[moreluck]

A Lawyers Reward...


Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic."

St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500."

"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

 

[moreluck]

Summer


Growing up on the Jersey Shore we spent our summers swimming, surfing, and hanging out. One of my friends loved the season so much that we began calling him Mr. Summertime.

"What happens when summer is over?" someone asked.

I thought for a minute, and then said, "In September he becomes the Fall Guy."

 

[moreluck]

File these newspaper headlines under: we don't even want to know.

-Firefighters Use Jaws of Life to Free High School Girl from Locker

-FDA Approves Third Silicon-Gel Breast Implant

-Missing Woman Unwittingly Joins Search Party Looking For Herself

- Woman's 'Stomach Bug' Actually Baby.