Jokes
- Thread starter DS
- Start date
moreluck
golden ticket member
IN GOD WE TRUST
A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London .. He curtly asked
the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious
teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet
there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the
infidel.
The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and
opened the door.
The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing? "
The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so
buzz off and wait for a camel!"
A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London .. He curtly asked
the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious
teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet
there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the
infidel.
The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and
opened the door.
The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing? "
The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so
buzz off and wait for a camel!"
moreluck
golden ticket member
.The pleasures of WE older folk "tangling" with cyberspace - Love it.
Please Enter Your Password...
Please enter your new password:
"cabbage"
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"boiled cabbage"
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"1 boiled cabbage"
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"50bloodyboiledcabbages"
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"50BLOODYboiledcabbages"
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"50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAss, IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessnow”
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“ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow”
Please Enter Your Password...
Please enter your new password:
"cabbage"
Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
"boiled cabbage"
Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
"1 boiled cabbage"
Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
"50bloodyboiledcabbages"
Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
"50BLOODYboiledcabbages"
Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
"50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAss, IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessnow”
Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
“ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow”
moreluck
golden ticket member
She's Depressed
Two ladies were hanging out together and one was depressed. "What's wrong?"
The depressed one replied, "I've been married four times and every one of my husbands has passed away."
The other lady asked, "What did they used to do?"
The depressed lady replied, "Well, my first husband was a millionaire, the second was a magician, the third was an evangelist, and the fourth was a mortician."
"Oh, I see", the other said, "one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go..."
Two ladies were hanging out together and one was depressed. "What's wrong?"
The depressed one replied, "I've been married four times and every one of my husbands has passed away."
The other lady asked, "What did they used to do?"
The depressed lady replied, "Well, my first husband was a millionaire, the second was a magician, the third was an evangelist, and the fourth was a mortician."
"Oh, I see", the other said, "one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go..."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Doing Penance
A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.
"What did you take?" his priest asked.
"Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."
"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"
"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."
A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.
"What did you take?" his priest asked.
"Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."
"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"
"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Crossbred Dogs
Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, favorites of lawyers but ... it doesn't seem to matter.
Bull Terrier +
zu = Bullz, a gregarious but unreliable breed.
Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.
Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries.
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog.
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle.
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists.
Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors.
Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes.
Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.
Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work.
Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.
Cocker Spaniel + Rottweiller = Cockrot, the perfect puppy for that philandering ex-husband.
Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, favorites of lawyers but ... it doesn't seem to matter.
Bull Terrier +
zu = Bullz, a gregarious but unreliable breed.Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.
Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries.
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog.
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle.
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists.
Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors.
Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes.
Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.
Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work.
Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.
Cocker Spaniel + Rottweiller = Cockrot, the perfect puppy for that philandering ex-husband.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Bumper Stickers......
LOVE IS GRAND...
DIVORCE IS TWENTY GRAND!
YOU'RE A PANE IN MY GLASS
WOMEN WHO SEEK TO BE EQUAL WITH MEN...
LACK AMBITION
STABLE RELATIONSHIPS ARE FOR HORSES
FROGS PARKING ONLY...
ALL OTHERS WILL BE TOAD.
KEEP GRANDMA OFF THE STREETS...
SUPPORT BINGO!
WOMEN LIKE THE SIMPLE THINGS IN LIFE... MEN!
LOVE IS GRAND...
DIVORCE IS TWENTY GRAND!
YOU'RE A PANE IN MY GLASS
WOMEN WHO SEEK TO BE EQUAL WITH MEN...
LACK AMBITION
STABLE RELATIONSHIPS ARE FOR HORSES
FROGS PARKING ONLY...
ALL OTHERS WILL BE TOAD.
KEEP GRANDMA OFF THE STREETS...
SUPPORT BINGO!
WOMEN LIKE THE SIMPLE THINGS IN LIFE... MEN!
moreluck
golden ticket member
Fishing - NOT!................
A Redneck was stopped by a game warden in Southern Louisiana recently with two ice chests of fish, leaving a bayou well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Dese here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Ya. Avery night I take dese here fish down to de bayou and let dem swim 'round for a while. Den I whistle and dey jump rat back inta dis here ice chest and I take dem home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The Redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's de truth ma' fren. I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
The Redneck poured the fish into the bayou and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" Said the Redneck.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!"
"What fish?"
A Redneck was stopped by a game warden in Southern Louisiana recently with two ice chests of fish, leaving a bayou well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Dese here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Ya. Avery night I take dese here fish down to de bayou and let dem swim 'round for a while. Den I whistle and dey jump rat back inta dis here ice chest and I take dem home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The Redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's de truth ma' fren. I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
The Redneck poured the fish into the bayou and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" Said the Redneck.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!"
"What fish?"
moreluck
golden ticket member
Thanks Mom...
My Mother taught me LOGIC..."If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."
My Mother taught me MEDICINE..."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD..."If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"
My Mother taught me ESP..."Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE..."What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"
My Mother taught me HUMOR..."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT..."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.
My mother taught me ABOUT SEX..."How do you think you got here?"
My mother taught me about GENETICS..."You are just like your father!"
My mother taught me about my ROOTS..."Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE..."When you get to be my age, you will understand."
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION..."Just wait until your father gets home."
My mother taught me about RECEIVING..."You are going to get it when we get home."
My mother taught me about JUSTICE..."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU -- then you'll see what it's like."
My Mother taught me LOGIC..."If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."
My Mother taught me MEDICINE..."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD..."If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"
My Mother taught me ESP..."Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE..."What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"
My Mother taught me HUMOR..."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT..."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.
My mother taught me ABOUT SEX..."How do you think you got here?"
My mother taught me about GENETICS..."You are just like your father!"
My mother taught me about my ROOTS..."Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE..."When you get to be my age, you will understand."
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION..."Just wait until your father gets home."
My mother taught me about RECEIVING..."You are going to get it when we get home."
My mother taught me about JUSTICE..."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU -- then you'll see what it's like."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Tips for Managers
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a "rush job", run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I like being a psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a "rush job", run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I like being a psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
Brown echo
If u are not alive than for sure truth is not real
''NAME A FAMOUS ROBBER'' THE I.R.S
moreluck
golden ticket member
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
moreluck
golden ticket member
Jill's car was unreliable and she called John for a ride every time it broke down.
One day John got yet another one of those calls. "What happened this time?" he asked.
"My brakes went out," Jill said. "Can you come to get me?"
"Where are you?" John asked.
"I'm in the drugstore," Jill responded.
"And where's the car?" John asked.
Jill replied, "Oh, it's in here with me."
One day John got yet another one of those calls. "What happened this time?" he asked.
"My brakes went out," Jill said. "Can you come to get me?"
"Where are you?" John asked.
"I'm in the drugstore," Jill responded.
"And where's the car?" John asked.
Jill replied, "Oh, it's in here with me."
moreluck
golden ticket member
US Landmark
As the airliner was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the co-pilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.
"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."
From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!"
As the airliner was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the co-pilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.
"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."
From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!"
moreluck
golden ticket member
Dog Pet Peeves
- Yelling at me for barking...HEY, I'M A DOG!!
- Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
- Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.
- Blaming your farts on me...not funny...not funny at all.
- Yelling at me for rubbing my bottom on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?
- Dog sweaters. Hello...have you noticed the fur?
- Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
- Taking me to the vet for "the big snip," then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.
- The slight of hand, fake-fetch-throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
