Jokes

[moreluck]

The Armed Services


One reason the Armed Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.

For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

 

[moreluck]

Psalm 109:8

My wife and I were in slow-moving traffic the other day and
We were stopped behind a car with an unusual Obama
Bumper sticker on its bumper.

It read: "Pray for Obama Psalm 109:8"

When we got home my wife got out the Bible and opened it
up to the scripture. She started laughing and laughing. Then she
read it to me. I couldn't believe what it said. I had a good
laugh, too.

Psalm 109:8 ~

"Let his days be few and brief;
And let others step forward to replace him."
At last -- I can honestly voice a biblical prayer for our
President! Let us all bow our heads and pray.

 

[moreluck]

Dressed Us All Alike


I come from a large family, five sisters and three brothers.


My sisters and I were looking through the family photo album one day. Picture after picture, we were all dressed in matching clothes. I asked my mother why she dressed us all alike, right down to the baby.

She explained, "When we had just four children, I dressed you alike so we wouldn't lose any of you. Then," she added, looking at the pictures in the album, "When the other four came along, I started dressing you alike so we won't pick up any that don't belong to us."

 

[moreluck]

The New Job


A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. Thinking it would make the trip more bearable, he invited several coworkers to share the ride. However, the commute actually got more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor.

"Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week. But now, when I get in the tunnels with those four other guys crowded into the car, I get anxious and dizzy, and I feel like I'm going to explode."

Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had diagnosed the ailment.

"What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?"

"No, no, no, my boy. You have something that is becoming more and more common."

"Tell me! What is it?"

"You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome."

 

[moreluck]

The bartender says, "We don't serve time travelers in here." A time traveler walks into a bar.

 

[moreluck]

A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm travelling light."

 

[moreluck]

Spell Chekers:

Post: I can't stand people that don't know the difference between your and you're . There so dumb.
Response: Their, their, calm down !

Post: Is it me or does nobody have manors these days ?
Response: I just have a normal house.

 

[moreluck]

While serving jury duty, I noticed that the defense attorney seemed a bit nervous. At one point, he picked up a piece of evidence and asked his client, who was on the witness stand, "I see an acronym on this receipt. What would CAR stand for?"
The defendant replied "Car".

 

[moreluck]

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman.

He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.

When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.

After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview.


The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted.


We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."
Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot:


six illegal aliens, six lawyers, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six Democrats, and a rabbit."


"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.
"You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"


I LOVE TEXAS

 

[Packmule]

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman.

He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.

When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.

After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview.


The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted.


We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."
Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot:


six illegal aliens, six lawyers, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six Democrats, and a rabbit."


"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.
"You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"


I LOVE TEXAS

Love this one!

 

[moreluck]

A Lawyer, an Illegal Alien, a Pathological Liar, a Muslim, a Communist and a Black Guy walked into a BAR.
Bartender asks....
" What'll you have, Mr. President?"

 

[Packmule]

A Lawyer, an Illegal Alien, a Pathological Liar, a Muslim, a Communist and a Black Guy walked into a BAR.
Bartender asks....
" What'll you have, Mr. President?"

 

[moreluck]

New Patient

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session. "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."

"Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."

 

[moreluck]

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She held up the box and said, "I bet it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held up the box and said, "I bet it's some chocolates!"

"That's right!" shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held up the box and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.

"Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered.

"What is it?" she said.

 

[Packmule]

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She held up the box and said, "I bet it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held up the box and said, "I bet it's some chocolates!"

"That's right!" shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held up the box and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.

"Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered.

"What is it?" she said.

Ok, I'll bite. What was it?

 

[moreluck]

Oh shoot, it didn't all paste!!!

It was a puppy!!!

 

[moreluck]

A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO COSTCO
Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen , the Wonder Dog and
was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog .
What did she think I had an elephant?
So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting
the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that
I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices
and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with
Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, ( certified),
so it works well and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)


Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people...

They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

 

[moreluck]

Tips On Motherhood


If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side.

The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere and to let the air out of the tires.

Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.

Oh to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.

 

[moreluck]

Polygon.....


What's a polygon?

A dead parrot.

 

[moreluck]

After an hour of gathering up his courage, a shy guy finally approaches the hot girl at the end of the bar. "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight, you pig!"

Everyone in the bar stops and stares. Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red face.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing public situations."

To which the guy responds as loudly as possible, "What do you mean $200 for a BJ?"