Jokes

[moreluck]

The Dinner Party


At a dinner party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud young man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone and everything. He was served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his fork, held it up and smirked: "Is this pig?"


Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly: "Which end of the fork are you referring to?"

 

[UpstateNYUPSer(Ret)]

These "jokes" are not the least bit funny.

 

[moreluck]

These "jokes" are not the least bit funny.

You've been told before not to read them......Yet you continue to read them.....don't waste your time like that !! Or better yet, post funnier jokes.

 

[hubrat]

There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."


These are MY opinions. Others are available.

 

[moreluck]

Double-Prong Attack


The soldier was tired and sleepy from a long train ride in a miserable old-day coach. On top of this, two fussy old ladies were keeping him awake with argument about a window. One wanted it closed and the other wanted it open. This fuss finally brought the conductor.


"Conductor," said one, "if that window is opened, I'll just freeze to death!"


"And if it is kept closed," whined the other, "I'll suffocate."


The poor conductor didn't know what to do and finally turned to the GI for help. "What would you do, soldier, if it were a military problem?"


"In the Army we handle such problems like a double-prong attack. Open the window and freeze one of them, then close it and suffocate the other."

 

[moreluck]

World-famous


An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic. He was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance, and the modern decor throughout the building. Finally he turned to his escort and asked if the building was named for Thomas Mann, the world-famous author.

"No," his friend said, "it's named for Fredric Mann, from Philadelphia."

"Really? I never heard of him. What did he write?"

"A check."

 

[moreluck]

Richard Branson has announced plans to develop a new type of plane that can fly from New York to Tokyo in one hour.
Apparently, the engines are powered by human screams.
~Seth Myers~

 

[moreluck]

Fore!

A golfer hits a wicked slice off the tee that ricochets through the trees and into the next fairway narrowly missing another golfer.

When the first golfer gets to his ball he is greeted by his unintended victim who angrily tells him of the near miss.

"I'm sorry, I didn't have time to yell fore," says the first golfer.

"That's funny," replies the second, "you had plenty of time to yell 'DANG!'"

 

[moreluck]

Out of Bread

The judge made room on his busy calendar to hear the pleas of one Senora Rodriguez that her husband be released from the state penitentiary. "What was he sentenced for?" asked the Governor gently.

"For stealing a loaf of bread," replied the offender's wife, nervously fingering her mantilla.

"Is he such a good husband?"

"No," she replied frankly, blushing a bit. "He beats me when he gets drunk, he bullies our children, he's unfaithful, and really not much good at all."

"It sounds to me as though you're better off without him," said the Governor. "Why on earth do you want him out of jail?"

"Well," she explained, "we're out of bread again."

 

[tarbar66]

Woman shot in her own driveway!

Linda Burnett, 26, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and, while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.
When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.

When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence.

The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date was from 2008, so it was determined to be Bush's fault.

 

[moreluck]

Do You Know

A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, “Why do you dress funny?”

He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear. Then the boy pointed to the priest's collar tab and asked, “Do you have an owie?”

The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band-aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to show him. On the back of the tab are letters giving the name of the manufacturer. The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, “Do you know what those words say?”

“Yes, I do,” said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, “Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!”

 

[moreluck]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/dumbest_puns.htm

 

[moreluck]

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America."
The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks farther, and the next person
he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America!"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East. I am not American."

He finally sees a woman and asks, "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa."

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The African woman checks her watch and says, "Probably at work.."

 

[UpstateNYUPSer(Ret)]

When you go to your next annual physical exam you should tell your doctor that there is something wrong with your funny bone .

 

[moreluck]

When you go to your next annual physical exam you should tell your doctor that there is something wrong with your funny bone .

As Gilda would say as Lisa Loopner........that was so funny I almost laughed !!

 

[moreluck]

A Briton flies into Australia and is asked by the immigration officer, "Do you have any felony convictions?"
The Briton replies, "Sorry. I didn't realize that was still a requirement."

 

[UpstateNYUPSer(Ret)]

A Briton flies into Australia and is asked by the immigration officer, "Do you have any felony convictions?"
The Briton replies, "Sorry. I didn't realize that was still a requirement."

Yawn.

 

[moreluck]

You are a glutton for punishment.....you keep reading them.....what a joke !!

 

[moreluck]

Trip to the Zoo

Benny wanted to go to the zoo, so he pestered his parents for days. Finally, his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Benny replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Benny excitedly, "when one of the animals came racing home at 30 to 1!"

 

[moreluck]

Shirley & Marcy

A mother was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe.

So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbour if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her. She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.

The next school day, the neighbour and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbour girl he knew. She did this for the whole week.

As the two kids walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy 's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally she said to Timmy, 'Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?' Timmy nonchalantly replied, 'Yeah, I know who she is.' The little girl said, 'Well, who is she?' 'That's just Shirley Goodnest, 'Timmy replied, 'and her daughter Marcy.' 'Shirley Goodnest? Who is she
and why is she following us?

'Well,' Timmy explained, 'every night my Mum makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, ' Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!'