Jokes

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A Toast

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here'sto spending the rest of me Life, Between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best Toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the Prize for the Best toast of The night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,
Sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking Buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled Leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

 

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Colonoscopies are important medical procedures that have saved lives. And yet they're as popular as, well, a colonoscopy. Here are a couple comments purportedly made by patents to physicians during their procedures.

- "Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
- "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"
- "Any sign of the trapped miners, chief?"

~Dave Barry~

 

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That Aha Moment......

"Who discovered Pikes Peak" I asked an eighth grader.
He shrugged.
"All right, here's a hint," I continued. "Who's buried in Grant's Tomb?"
"Grant?" he asked tentatively.
"Good. Now, who discovered Pikes Peak?"
"Grant!"

~Max Campbell~

 

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The Politician

There was a dance teacher who talked of a very old dance called the Politician.

"All you have to do" she told her class "is take three steps forward, two steps backward, then side-step, side-step and turn around."

 

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TheQuestion


Saint Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter.

The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations."

St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!"

The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children."

"Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?"

The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime."

"Heavens!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?"

 

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I can only send this to my most seriously twisted friends. You made the cut.




A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve up to jump.
A passing hobo stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"
The woman said "Hell no! Get away from me, you sicko!"
The bum turned to leave and muttered,

"Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom".

 

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I have always questioned if Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton were really preachers since they have no church.

When I heard Al Sharpton was guest preacher at a black Daytona Beach Church,
I decided to check him out in person and see what it was all about.

I sat down and Sharpton came up to me - I don't know why,
maybe it was because I was the only white person in the Church.

He laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of Jesus the Lord All Mighty,
and the will of God, you will walk today."

I told him I was not paralyzed. He came back and laid his hands on me again,
and repeated the same thing.

Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me.


After the sermon I stepped outside and lo and behold, my car had been stolen!

 

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Little Johnny meets Barack Obama...

Barack Obama was visiting a primary school in North Carolina and visited a
fourth grade class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words
and their meanings.

The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on
the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious president asked the class for an
example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a
farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him,
that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Obama, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove
off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained Obama. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Obama searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher
held her breath.

In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was
struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a
tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Obama. "That's right. And can you tell me why that
would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell
wouldn't be a great loss... and you can bet your sweet ass it wouldn't be
an accident either!"

The teacher left the room.

 

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I used to date a hoarder, and she broke up with me. That stings extra hard - I'm like the one thing she can get rid of.
~Sam Morril~

 

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