Jokes
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moreluck
golden ticket member
Enough is Enough
An old lady tottered into a lawyer's office and asked for help in arranging a divorce.
"A divorce?" asked the unbelieving lawyer. "Tell me, how old are you?"
"I'm eighty-four," answered the old lady.
"Eighty-four! And how old is your husband?"
"My husband is eighty-seven."
"My my," said the lawyer." And how long have you been married?"
"Next September will be sixty-two years."
"Married sixty-two years?! Why would you want a divorce now?"
"Because," the woman answered calmly, "enough is enough!"
An old lady tottered into a lawyer's office and asked for help in arranging a divorce.
"A divorce?" asked the unbelieving lawyer. "Tell me, how old are you?"
"I'm eighty-four," answered the old lady.
"Eighty-four! And how old is your husband?"
"My husband is eighty-seven."
"My my," said the lawyer." And how long have you been married?"
"Next September will be sixty-two years."
"Married sixty-two years?! Why would you want a divorce now?"
"Because," the woman answered calmly, "enough is enough!"
moreluck
golden ticket member
Spell check.
Hi Bob,
This is Alan next door. I’m sorry neighbor, but I have a confession to make to you.
I’ve been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluckup the courage to tell you to your face but I am at least now telling in text asI can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around.In fact, probably more than you, particularly in the mornings after you’ve left for work.I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies.My wife has known for some time now and I’ve promised her that it won't happen again.
Regards, Alan.
Bob, feeling anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, grabbedhis gun, and without a word, shot his wife twice in the head, killing her instantly.
He returned to the lounge where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.
He took out his phone to respond to the neighbor's text and saw he had another message:-
Hi Bob,
This is Alan next door again.
Sorry about the slight typo on my last text, I expect you worked it out.
Anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed, my predictive text changed ‘WiFi’ To ‘Wife’.
Hope you saw the funny side of that.
Regards, Alan.
Hi Bob,
This is Alan next door. I’m sorry neighbor, but I have a confession to make to you.
I’ve been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluckup the courage to tell you to your face but I am at least now telling in text asI can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around.In fact, probably more than you, particularly in the mornings after you’ve left for work.I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies.My wife has known for some time now and I’ve promised her that it won't happen again.
Regards, Alan.
Bob, feeling anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, grabbedhis gun, and without a word, shot his wife twice in the head, killing her instantly.
He returned to the lounge where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.
He took out his phone to respond to the neighbor's text and saw he had another message:-
Hi Bob,
This is Alan next door again.
Sorry about the slight typo on my last text, I expect you worked it out.
Anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed, my predictive text changed ‘WiFi’ To ‘Wife’.
Hope you saw the funny side of that.
Regards, Alan.
moreluck
golden ticket member
CARP - Canadian Association of Retired People
Questions and Answers from CARP Forum
Q:Where can single men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them?
A:Try a bookstore, under Fiction.
Q:What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A:Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done, you will have a place to live.
Q:Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible... Is that true?
Where can it be found?
A:Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt..."
Q:How can you increase the heart rate of your over-60 year-old husband?
A:Tell him you're pregnant.
Q:How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A:Take off your glasses.
Q:Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A:Go braless. It will usually pull them out..
Q:Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A:Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q:Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A:Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.
Q:As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A:Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q:Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A:On their foreheads.
Q:What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A:"These are my stuff!"
SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor!
Questions and Answers from CARP Forum
Q:Where can single men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them?
A:Try a bookstore, under Fiction.
Q:What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A:Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done, you will have a place to live.
Q:Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible... Is that true?
Where can it be found?
A:Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt..."
Q:How can you increase the heart rate of your over-60 year-old husband?
A:Tell him you're pregnant.
Q:How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A:Take off your glasses.
Q:Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A:Go braless. It will usually pull them out..
Q:Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A:Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q:Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A:Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.
Q:As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A:Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q:Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A:On their foreheads.
Q:What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A:"These are my stuff!"
SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor!
moreluck
golden ticket member
Not Really a Cure
Albert walks in to his doctor's office for his yearly physical exam as he has done the same time every year that he can remember. The doctor takes him through all of the motions, does the normal tests and then leaves to get the results. After about 15 minutes the doctor returns with a very sad look on his face.
"Well Doc, what kind of shape am I in this time?" Albert asks.
"Albert, I don't know what to say. The news is bad. Really bad." says the doctor.
"What is it Doc?" asks Albert.
"I hate to have to give you such bad news. I can't find the words to tell you. I really don't know what to say."
Albert, being a strong man who appreciates straight talk, tells the doctor, "Ok, don't beat around the bush. Tell me what you know. I can take it".
"Well", says the doctor, "let me put it this way. I think that you should go to Arkansas and visit the hot springs there for a nice relaxing mud bath. Spend some time soaking in the mud."
"Oh, so I need to relax a little bit, eh? Will that cure me Doc?" asks Albert.
"No Albert, it won't cure you. And it won't help you relax. But it will help you get used to being covered in dirt."
Albert walks in to his doctor's office for his yearly physical exam as he has done the same time every year that he can remember. The doctor takes him through all of the motions, does the normal tests and then leaves to get the results. After about 15 minutes the doctor returns with a very sad look on his face.
"Well Doc, what kind of shape am I in this time?" Albert asks.
"Albert, I don't know what to say. The news is bad. Really bad." says the doctor.
"What is it Doc?" asks Albert.
"I hate to have to give you such bad news. I can't find the words to tell you. I really don't know what to say."
Albert, being a strong man who appreciates straight talk, tells the doctor, "Ok, don't beat around the bush. Tell me what you know. I can take it".
"Well", says the doctor, "let me put it this way. I think that you should go to Arkansas and visit the hot springs there for a nice relaxing mud bath. Spend some time soaking in the mud."
"Oh, so I need to relax a little bit, eh? Will that cure me Doc?" asks Albert.
"No Albert, it won't cure you. And it won't help you relax. But it will help you get used to being covered in dirt."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Self-Improvement
"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night, and more. She taught me to enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, how to dress well and how to invest in the stock market."
"Sounds like you may be bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you."
"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."
"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night, and more. She taught me to enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, how to dress well and how to invest in the stock market."
"Sounds like you may be bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you."
"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Women and Why
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?", the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding." "You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.
Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney."
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.
That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
Signed,
Women
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?", the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding." "You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.
Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney."
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.
That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
Signed,
Women
moreluck
golden ticket member
Donations for a monument...
I have the distinguished honor of being on the Committee to raise $50,000,000 for a monument to Hillary R. Clinton.
We originally wanted to put her on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered Therewas not enough room for two more faces.
We then decided to erect a statue of Hillary in the Washington, D.C. Hall of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside Barack Hussein Obama, Whonever told the truth, since Hillary could never tell the Difference.
We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the GreatestDemocrat of them all. He left not knowing where he was Going, and when he got there he did not know where he was. He Returnednot knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone
else's money.
Thank you,
Hillary R. Clinton Monument Committee
P.S. The Committee has raised $ 0.16 so far.
I have the distinguished honor of being on the Committee to raise $50,000,000 for a monument to Hillary R. Clinton.
We originally wanted to put her on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered Therewas not enough room for two more faces.
We then decided to erect a statue of Hillary in the Washington, D.C. Hall of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside Barack Hussein Obama, Whonever told the truth, since Hillary could never tell the Difference.
We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the GreatestDemocrat of them all. He left not knowing where he was Going, and when he got there he did not know where he was. He Returnednot knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone
else's money.
Thank you,
Hillary R. Clinton Monument Committee
P.S. The Committee has raised $ 0.16 so far.
