Jokes

[moreluck]

I've never seen anyone disagree with a joke.....It's a joke !!!

Where are the words that call Mooch a hootch????? They are not present.....
Did you ever think she could be a scrubwoman at a whorehouse and would know what it smells like without being a whore?? Quit reading thins into posts. It's either there or you are imagining it !! Grow up.

 

[UpstateNYUPSer(Ret)]

Obama was quick to stop him saying, “No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I’ve been in a whorehouse.”
The second barber turned to Bush and said, “How about you sir?” Bush replied, “Go ahead; my wife doesn’t know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.”

Yeah, no one is calling her a whore.

 

[moreluck]

So change the names to whoever you want it to be. It's a joke ........ someone wrote it this way and I think its' funnier than hell!!

Make it the duke and duchess of Windsor........it just won't be as funny.
You're looking for things to complain about!! Talk to your cat!!

 

[moreluck]

The Treasury sold its GM stock for forty billion dollars, closing the books on the fifty billion dollar bailout four years ago. What a ride. The Treasury wound up losing ten billion dollars, making the GM deal by far the most profitable branch of the U.S. government. ~Argus Hamilton~

 

[oldngray]

 

[moreluck]

Obama, McCain and All Hillary Die And Go To HeavenJohn McCain, Hillary Clinton, and Barack Obama all die and go to heaven. God looks down from his throne and asks McCain, “Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?”McCain takes a breath and then replies, “Well, I think so because I was a great leader and tried to follow the words in your great book.” God looks down and then says, “You can sit to my left side.”So, McCain takes his seat and then God asks the same question to Hillary, “Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?” Hillary thinks for a second and then replies, “I think so because I have been fighting for the rights of so many people for so long.” God again looks down and this time says, “You can sit to my right side.”Finally God turns to Barack Obama and asks, “Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?” Obama smiled and replied, “I think you’re in my seat.”

 

[moreluck]

Two girls, age five and six, were playing wedding. Their mother overheard these vows: "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say may be held against you. You have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride."

 

[moreluck]

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they are told that they must present something "Christmassy." in order to get in.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some pine needles from the family's Christmas tree. He is let it. The second man presents a bow and some ribbon, from presents that were opened earlier in that night. So he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of panties. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
To which he replies, "Oh, They're Carol's."

 

[moreluck]

I tired !

There's a nap for that.

 

[moreluck]

A man is on trial for armed robbery. The jury comes back with the verdict. The foreman stands, clears his throat, and announces, "Not guilty."
The defendant leaps to his feet. "Awesome!" he shouts. "Does that mean I get to keep the money?"

 

[moreluck]

Two saintly men arrive in heaven. A mixup has resulted in their paperwork not being ready, so Saint Peter says, "You can go back to Earth for a while. To make up for the inconvenience, you can go back as anything you want to be. One man says, "I'd like to be a giant condor floating over the Rocky Mountains." The other says, "If you'll indulge me, I'd like to be a stud." "Both wishes granted," says Saint Peter.
The next morning, because the new computer has speeded up processing, the paperwork arrives. Saint Peter tells an angel to go to Earth and fetch the two men. The angel asks, "How will I find them?"
Saint Peter says, "One will be easy. He's in Colorado flying over the Rockies. You'll have to go to Montana for the other. He's somewhere in a snow tire!"

 

[moreluck]

Q: What do you tell someone you didn't see at New Year's Eve?
A: I haven't seen you for a year!

Q: What happened to the Irish man who thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year?
A: He gave up thinking.

Q: What's the problem with jogging on New Years Eve?
A: The ice falls out of your drinks!

 

[moreluck]

New Years Resolutions You Have No Chance At Keeping....

When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL, LMAO, or ROTFLMAO!"


Start using Facebook for something other than Farmville and stupid quizzes


I will try to figure out why I "really" need 5 Facebook accounts.


I resolve to work with neglected children... My own.


Lose 20 pounds by going to the gym!


I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line.


I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.


I will read the manual... Just as soon as I can find it.


Spend less than $1000 for coffee at Starbucks this year.


Lose weight by inventing an anti-gravity machine


Stop repeating myself again, and again, and again.


I will stop tagging pictures of myself in pictures even when I’m not in them.


I will think of a password other than "password".




New Years Resolutions You Can Actually Keep..................


Read less.


I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.


I will start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.


Stop exercising. Waste of time.


Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.


Watch less T.V. In standard definition.


Gain enough weight to get on The Biggest Loser.


Watch more movie remakes.

Start washing my hands after I use the restroom.


Procrastinate more.


I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.


I will no longer waste my time relieving the past, instead I will spend it worrying about the future.


Drink. Drink some more.


Stop buying worthless junk on Ebay, because QVC has better specials.


Start being superstitious.

Spend more time at work.

Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!

 

[moreluck]

A Virginia teacher presented each child in her class with the first half of a well-known proverb, a different adage to each child, asking that they complete the adage at home. The following were among the replies she received. No, Mel Brooks didn't help these kids with their homework.

1. Don't change horses . . . until they stop running.
2. Strike while the . . . bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before . . . Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate . . . the power of termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but . . . How?
6. Don't bite the hand that . . . looks dirty.
7. No news is . . . impossible
8. A miss is as good as a . . . Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new . . . math.
10. If you lie down with dogs . . . you'll stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust . . . me.
12. The pen is mightier than the . . . pigs.
13. An idle mind is . . . the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's . . . pollution.
15. Happy the bride who . . . gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is . . . not much.
17. Two's company, three's . . . the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what . . . you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and . . . you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as . . . Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not . . . spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed . . . get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you . . . see in the picture on the box
24. When the blind lead the blind . . . get out of the way.
25. A bird in the hand . . . is going to poop on you.
26. Better late than . . . Pregnant

Authors unknown • Contributor: Susan Lister •

 

[moreluck]

Garbage collectors were picking up our trash as my wife walked back into our house. A particular barrel was very heavy. "Lady, we can't take this," one man called out. "It's way over the weight limit."
My wife turned her eight-month-pregnant figure toward him. "It didn't seem that heavy when I carried it out," she said.
Without another word, the man emptied the barrel into the truck.

 

[moreluck]

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, "What's with the paper towel?"
The pirate says, "Arrr! I've got a Bounty on me head!"

 

[moreluck]

 

[slaveofbigbrown]

While sitting on the couch flipping through the channels, my wife sits downs and asks what's on tv. Dust

That's when the fight startes

Sent using BrownCafe App

 

[moreluck]

BEDROOM GOLF ..........

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
2. Course played on must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again!
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played on or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played on for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.
13. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.
14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a golf course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change at any time. For this reason, many players prefer to continue playing on several different courses.

 

[moreluck]

PUNS.............

What kind of coat can be put on only when wet? A coat of paint.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

What musical is about a train conductor? "My Fare, Lady"

Packing up and relocating to a new home can be a moving experience.

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

What jumps from cake to cake and smells of almonds? Tarzipan.

Why did the little fella sleep on the chandelier? Because he was a light sleeper.

The truth may ring out like a bell, but it is seldom ever tolled.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way