Jokes

[moreluck]

Earning Enough


Tom Cahill had proposed to young Maureen and was being interviewed by his prospective father-in-law. "Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?" the older man asked the suitor.

"Yes, sir," replied Tom, "I'm sure I am."

"Think carefully now," said Maureen's father. "There are twelve of us..."

 

[moreluck]

When a zoo's gorilla dies, the zookeeper hires an actor to don a costume and act like an ape until the zoo can get another one.

In the cage, the actor makes faces, swings around and draws a huge crowd.

He then crawls across a partition and atop the lion's cage, infuriating the animal. But the actor stays in character - until he loses his grip and falls into the lion's cage.

Terrified, the actor shouts, "Help ! Help me!"

Too late. The lion pounces, opens its massive jaws and whispers, "Shut up! Do you want to get us both fired ?"

 

[moreluck]

Yellow Lines


Darryl was hired to paint the yellow stripes on a highway. The first day, he painted ten miles of road. The second day, he only painted five. His boss, seeing how he was getting slower, decided to give him a day off, thinking that he needed a rest.

When he came back the next day, he only painted 1/2 mile of road.

His now discouraged boss asked, "Excuse me, but why have you been painting less and less each day, even after I gave you a day off?"

"Simple," Darryl answered. "I keep getting farther away from the paint can!"

 

[moreluck]

One Way Trip


NASA was interviewing professionals they were thinking of sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one-way trip, the guy not ever returning to Earth.

The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going.

“One million dollars,” the engineer answered. “And I want to donate it all to my alma mater--Rice University.”

The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question.

“Two millions dollars,” the doctor said. “I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, “Three million dollars.”

“Why so much more than the others?” the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, “You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer

 

[moreluck]

Office Dictionary posted:




Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing who's to blame for a missed deadline or a failed project.


Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.


Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.


Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.


Ego Surfing: Googling one's own name.


Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.


Ohno Second: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a huge mistake.


SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Kids, Oppressive Mortgage.


Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.


Treeware: Printed documentation or paperwork.


Xerox Subsidy: Free photocopies from one's workplace.

 

[moreluck]

Can't Take It With You


There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.

The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him.

Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"

 

[moreluck]

Perfect Dave


A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave."

"Who?"

"Dave Bronson. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave every single time."

"There are always a few clouds over everybody."

"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."

"He was something, huh?"

"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."

"No wonder you remember him."

"Well, I never actually met Dave."

"Then how do you know so much about him?"
"I married his widow."

 

[moreluck]

Water Pistol


When the three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.

His mother was not so pleased. She turned to her Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied, "I remember."

 

[moreluck]

After a long day on the golf course, I stopped in at ‘Hooters' to see some friends and have some hot Wings and a drink.
After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.

I told them "The one who knows how to fix elevators."

I'm old, I get tired easily, and I pee a lot. ---

 

[moreluck]

To Tell The Truth


The Judge admonished the witness, "Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?"

"I do."

"Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"

"Sure," said the witness. "My side will win."

 

[moreluck]

To Tell The Truth


The Judge admonished the witness, "Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?"

"I do."

"Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"

"Sure," said the witness. "My side will win."

 

[moreluck]

ha ha ha ha

 

[moreluck]

funny....

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/steve_jobs_and_bill_gates.htm

 

[moreluck]

You Are Ugly


Jane was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

Jane was furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

She was incredibly ticked now.

The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

Jane decided to go into the store and told the manager that she would sue the store if they didn't do something about that rude bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

When Jane walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said, "Yes?"

And the bird replied, "You know."

 

[moreluck]

The Family Tree


In my search of the family tree, it was pretty exciting to learn my great-grandparents in the Appalachian Mountains were pioneers in iron and steel.

I could hardly stand the excitement until I learned the truth that Great-Grandma stayed home and ironed while Great-Grandpa went off to steal.

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

Beware of Dog


Upon entering a little country store, Randy noticed a sign reading, "Danger! Beware of Dog" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

Randy couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

 

[moreluck]

Guess


A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool and show who was boss on the aviation frequencies.

It was his first time approaching a field during the night time.

Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said:

"Guess who?"

The controller switched the field lights off and replied:

"Guess where!"

 

[moreluck]

The year is 2016 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldfarb. She calls up her mother a few weeks after election day and says,

'So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.'

'Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home.
And a limousine will pick you up at your door.'

'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?'

Susan replies, 'I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York.'

'Honey,' Mom complains, 'you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.'

The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come.'

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States.

In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and says, 'You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?

The Senator whispers back, 'Yes I do.'

Mom says proudly, "Her brother is a doctor".

 

[moreluck]

American Food


An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food. The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza.

The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What the Heck did you put on this pizza?"

The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered: pepper only."