Jokes

[moreluck]

Will You Be Joining Me


As I as on the way home from a long and stressful day at the office, the car phone rang. It was my husband.

"Will you be joining me in the whirlpool bath tonight?" he asked.

"What a lovely way to spend an evening," I thought. I was about to tell him how considerate he was when he continued,

"Because if you're not, I need to start adding more water to the tub."

 

[moreluck]

Rules For Work.....

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to managers' hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

Robot IQ

A guy walks into a bar where there is a robot bartender! The robot says "what will you have" The guy says "whiskey". The robot brings back his drink and says to the man "what's your IQ?" The guy says "168" The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.


The guy leaves....but he is curious...so he goes back into the bar. The robot says "what will you have" The guy says "whiskey". Again, the robot brings back his drink and says to the man "what's your IQ?" The guy says "100" The robot then proceeds to talk about Nascar, the Lions and MSU.


The guy leaves but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says "what will you have" The guy says "whiskey". The robot brings back his drink and says to the man "what's your IQ?" The guy says "uh about 50" The robot leans in real close and say's " So....you people....still happy...with Obama?"

 

[moreluck]

My daughter and I are very close. We speak every single day. I say the same thing, "Pick up, I know you're there." And she says the same thing back, "How'd you get this new number?" ~Joan Rivers~

 

[moreluck]

Lack of Interest

My friend's husband always teases her about her lack of interest in household chores. One day he came home with a gag gift, a refrigerator magnet that read: "Martha Stewart doesn't live here."


The next day he came home to find the magnet holding up a slip of paper. The note read: "Neither does Bob Vila."

 

[moreluck]

The Aisle Seat



Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.



Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat.



After takeoff the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said 'I need to get up and get a coke.'

'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'



As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.



While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.



As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors, 'Why does it have to be this way ?'



'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and ......peeing in cokes?'





THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES.

 

[moreluck]

New SIM to Surprise Her Husband


Woman buys a new Sim Card. Puts it in her phone and decides to surprise her husband who is seated on the couch in the living room.

She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number: "Hello Darling."
The husband responds in a low tone: "Let me call you back later Honey, my wife is in the kitchen.

 

[UpstateNYUPSer(Ret)]

I can't imagine waking up every morning, picking up a Jokes or Quotes book on the nightstand, opening it to the bookmarked page and copying, word for word, the next joke or quote on the page, knowing full well that you may be the only person who reads it. Therapeutic or not, it is quite sad.

 

[moreluck]

Whoa Silver !!......it's only Thursday !! Hang on for a day or two more, then you can rant and rave all you want. Bless your heart .
The best words of your rambling were " waking up every morning..." It sure beats whacking up every morning !!

 

[moreluck]

Sept. 4 was the anniversary of Thomas Edison bringing elec light to lower Manhatten......So: lightbulb jokes.

Q: How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: Only one, buts he has to do it while you're eating dinner.

Q: How many 16 yr olds does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: Whatever.

 

[moreluck]

At dinner, little Johnny was asked to lead the prayer.

"But I don't know how to pray," he replied.
“Just pray for your family,friends and neighbors, the poor, etc.," said his father.
"Okay”, the boy said,".
"Dear Lord,...
Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream.
Bless them so they won't come again.
Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed.
This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my Daddy's Blackberry.
And provide shelter for the homeless man who uses Mom's room when Daddy is at work.
AMEN"
Dinner was canceled.

 

[moreluck]

Your Husband Needs Rest


Doctor: "Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills."

Wife: "Doc, when should I give them to him?"

Doctor: "They are for you !"

 

[moreluck]

This Just In...


Two trucks loaded with a thousand copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday, according to the Associated Press.


Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied...

 

[moreluck]

Spelling Drill


A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell 'before'.


He stands up and says, “Before, B-E-P-H-O-R.”


The teacher says, “No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell before?”


Another little boy stands up and says, “Before, B-E-friend-O-O-R.”


Again the teacher says, “No, that's wrong.” The teacher asks, “Little Johnny, can you spell 'before'?”


Little Johnny stands up and says, “Before, B-E-friend-O-R-E.”


“Excellent, Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?”


Little Johnny says, “That's easy. Two plus two be fore.”

 

[moreluck]

Accent



A Virginia woman was talking with her four year old son, Brent. He was asking her why all their relatives from Wisconsin talk funny and sound like their noses are plugged up.


"They think we have an accent," she replied.


"But they have an accent, right?", Brent asked.



"They talk funny?" "Everybody talks in different ways" she tried to explain. "To them, we sound like we talk very slow and all our words are d-r-a-w-n out."


His eyes got big, and he whispered seriously, "Oh, no. You mean they hear funny too?"

 

[moreluck]

Ring , Ring


Passing an office building late one night, Paula saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman."


She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs. The uniformed men proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.


"Well," he snarled at Paula , "what do you want?"


"I just wanted to know why you can't ring it yourself."

 

[moreluck]

Checking your phone after someone else pulls out their phone is the yawn of our generation. ~John Lefevre~

 

[moreluck]

My Building Permit:


Some have asked what I've been doing inretirement.Well, I applied for a building
permit for a new house.


It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ftwide,with 12 gun turrets at various heights, and
windowsall over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system.
It would have parking for 200 cars, and I was going to paint itshot green with pink trim. The City
Council told me; “Forget it...AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!”


So, I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a "Mosque."Work starts on Monday. And here is
the best part, it's going to be tax exempt!


I love this country.It’s the government that scares me.

 

[moreluck]

Stewed Tomatoes


A guy is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he's worry about getting seasick.


The doctor suggests, ''Eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock.''


The guy replies, ''Would that keep me from getting sick, Doc?''


The doctor says, ''No, but it'll look real pretty in the water.''